


Mental Stability Check

by Benedicthiddleston



Series: Five Year Mission [1]
Category: Star Trek Into Darkness - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Post canon death, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers, set during Star Trek Into Darkness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-30
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-13 11:44:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 25,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/823940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Benedicthiddleston/pseuds/Benedicthiddleston
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>ST:ID Spoilers. </p><p>James T. Kirk has worked hard to get back into shape to take back over command of the Enterprise. Unfortunately, Starfleet Command does not feel he is ready. To test him, they send him back to the Academy to retake his final command class and take a test that pushes his critical thinking, his physical being, and his emotional stability. It takes help from friends and comrades alike to get Kirk through three months of hell. In the end, it is up to Kirk to decide if he truly believes he can command his ship and crew... especially out in space for five years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“I – _what?! Excuse me?!_ ”

Captain James Tiberius Kirk stood before Admiral Arnold Parker, his face showing utter disbelief. He was trying to remain calm, cool, and collected. But this wasn’t Pike. This was waaay past a Pike piss-off moment. This was a ‘ _I’m fucking screwed’_ moment.

“Per the orders of Starfleet Command, you will not be reinstated as Captain of the _Enterprise_ until you can successfully show that you are ready for duty, Kirk.” Admiral Parker was not amused at how the younger man was handling the news. Wasn’t it obvious? The boy had just been through radiation poisoning, almost died, and came out with weak limbs, a dysfunctioning memory, and over seven months of rehab. Even with his cleared bill of health from Dr. Leonard McCoy, Starfleet was not about to hand over the _Enterprise_ without some form of competency to do the job.

And so far, Kirk was _failing_.

“Successfully show?! Admiral, I was cleared by Dr. McCoy four days ago. I can walk, talk, spit, hop, cross my eyes, and do hand stands. I can last a whole shift without getting fatigued. I sleep through the night. What more do you want from me?!” Kirk’s mind was reeling. He _had_ to be Captain. Starfleet was thinking about having the newly refurbished _Enterprise_ go on a five year mission – the new program everyone on the planet was buzzing about. And now he may be _grounded?!_ He was her Captain. Not someone else. _This isn’t fair. My crew, my friends, my ship is not going away for five years WITHOUT ME!_

“Mr. Kirk,” Admiral Parker puts a hand to his forehead. He takes a deep breath and starts again. “Mr. Kirk, we understand that you are fit for duty physically, as stated by your primary physician. But we do not see sufficient grounds to allow you to take charge of the _Enterprise_ and the crew in your mental state.”

_Mental state? What exactly does this have to do with my_ mental _state?!_ “Admiral, I don’t understand.”

“Starfleet does not see you fit enough to make command decisions.”

Kirk stared in disbelief. “So I’m grounded because you don’t think I can command my crew?” That gut feeling, that sickening feeling in the bottom of his stomach, comes out of nowhere. They didn’t believe him to be sound of mind to command the _Enterprise_ any longer. And that was the worst thing anyone could have told him at that point in time. 

Kirk had always been a fast thinker. He was quick on his feet. He asked why and jumped head first. He didn’t believe in no-win scenarios. There was always a win scenario; it just had to be found. Sometimes with creativity. And he was still that guy! He hadn’t lost that. Granted, his memory of his life before Starfleet had gone murky after waking up from his two week coma, but he didn’t care. He wasn’t having command function problems.  

_How exactly do I tell this to McCoy? Uhura? Sulu? Scotty? Spock?!!_

 Admiral Parker nodded. “But we do have a solution, Mr. Kirk, as we assume you will counterattack any way you can.”

Kirk manages a smirk. Of course he would. He wasn’t going to be grounded without a fight and then some.

“Starfleet Command has decided that you must retake your senior command class, and take a test designed to test your mental status in the capacity of being a Captain of a starship. It will not be the Kobayashi Maru. It will be a new program that will test your critical thinking, your knowledge, and your physical being.”

“So basically, you want me to climb the warp core again, align it, and come out alive?” Kirk stood tall, staring down at the Admiral in front of him. He was about done with everything he was being pushed through. Seven months of intense rehab, cleared by Bones barely a few days ago, and now to have to suffer this set back. _I just want to get back on my ship and get out there. Space is my life now. I don’t even remember much of my past before Starfleet. Go figure_.

Admiral Parker set his lips in a firm line. “Mr. Kirk, that was out of line. You either take the deal Starfleet is handing you, or you resign your post forcefully and get put on desk duty somewhere in the basement of the medical wing sifting through paper files of deceased individuals while your friends are on their five year mission.”

Kirk’s heart constricted. _No way in hell!_ “Fine. When do I start?”

Admiral Parker turned to the desk behind him and picked up a folder with Kirk’s name on it. “Every detail is inside. I must warn you that Starfleet will only allow you to take the test once. You must pass the class also. If you fail or in any way cheat in the class or on the test, Mr. Kirk, you will not resume your command of the _Enterprise_. You will not be demoted to First Officer either. You will _not_ go out into space with your _former_ crew.”

Kirk accepted the folder, feeling a weight drop onto his shoulders. He knew he could command his ship, the one he had _died_ for. But Starfleet needed the convincing, and if anything, he really didn’t want to dig more holes for him to go die in when he wasn’t on that ship as it took off for its five year mission. He wasn’t going to fight it. _I can’t fight. I need my ship, my crew, and my friends_.

“I understand, Admiral.”

“You may leave now, Mr. Kirk.”

Kirk nodded, turned, and left through the door. After it closed, Kirk leaned against the wall, feeling fatigued. _Great. What do I do if I fail?_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos, people! Here's the second chapter. I can't say how long this fanfic will be - I have a huge chunk written, but nowhere near gathering up all the pieces into a flowing story. Lol. I'll attempt to finish before vacation. Until next time - Danielle

Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy yawned as he locked his office door at half past eleven that night. He gave a slow frown as he realized that in less than five months, at the projected rate of repair of the _Enterprise_ , he would be sitting in his small office on said ship for _five years_. “Lord, help us in that endeavor,” McCoy muttered, terrified of any prolonged amount of time out in space. It was disease and danger and he’d been in it long enough already. Five years without seeing earth was already a terrifying prospect.

He left the medical wing and headed for his apartment. He hadn’t seen Jim since early that morning when his best friend had been told to report to Admiral Parker’s office for an important meeting. No one else had been invited and that had made Kirk a little bit nervous. But he had suited up and gone. 

McCoy mulled over the fact Jim was still a little edgy. Seven stressful months of rehab had really taken their toll on his mind. Getting back into the swing of things was becoming difficult, but McCoy knew Jim would pull through. He always did. He _did_ come back to life or something to that effect.

When McCoy had gotten Kirk in the medical bay on Enterprise, he had been unconscious, barely breathing, and presented with a bradycardic heartbeat. McCoy knew at that point he could do nothing. Radiation was fatal, especially after going _into_ the Warp Core. When that damn Tribble had come back to life, needless to say, McCoy knew exactly how to preserve Kirk’s function. A cryotube. Freezing the body slowed down the oxygen consumption of a body. The less demand the body had for oxygen – the less demand the brain needed – the better. Metabolism slowed down, muscles relaxed. Energy wasn’t consumed as fast, and the oxygen caught onto the hemoglobin easily at the lungs but it was difficult to let go at the tissues. This was especially true and desirable since Kirk had almost stopped breathing.

Kirk’s brain had still suffered some lack of oxygen. His memories of his past were murky at best. But he remembered everything from the time he met McCoy. Even his last moments of consciousness in the sealed off radiation containment room were still intact. It was a miracle. Kirk was still himself overall. Emotional instability, nightmares, and panic attacks aside.

The apartment building most of the crew of the Enterprise resided in was quiet as McCoy took the elevator to the 21st floor. He had specifically requested an apartment next to Jim just to keep an eye on him. He was Jim’s doctor, and even though he was no longer in the hospital and cleared for duty, it was still his duty to follow up on anything out of the ordinary in a snappy fashion. So, of course, McCoy took up residence across the hall.

Kirk had been in the hospital for over five and a half months, and once he was let out, he had still been in rehab and having tests done for more than 100 days after release because of difficulties and weakness. Needless to say, it had been a good thing McCoy had been around.

As McCoy punched his code into the lock mechanism on his door, he heard a crash from Jim’s apartment and in an instant was using the emergency code given to him by Starfleet Command to break into Jim’s apartment. The last time he had heard a crash Jim had tripped and managed to hit his head. It had landed him thirty minutes in the hospital emergency room and not even a concussion. Jim was one lucky sonofabitch. But McCoy took NO chances with the guy brought back to life.

“JIM!” McCoy yelled, rushing into the living room, stopping short of the scene that was laid out before his eyes.

Jim had thrown the bottle of whiskey, that he had been _obviously_ drinking, against the wall, shards of glass barely missing his own hand on the floor. He sat, looking dejected, pissed, and overall weeping. Alcohol and mad tantrums and emotional instability for the most part made the scene somewhat depressing to see.

The young man brought back to life managed to look up at his best friend, Bones, and say, “They won’t give her back to me. They fucking took her away from me. THEY TOOK MY GIRL AND I WON’T EVER GET HER BACK. FUCK. I CAN’T, I CAN’T DO THIS.” And Jim had tears streaming down his face, and he was drunk, and McCoy couldn’t even find a shard of anger in him because _Jim really wasn’t supposed to have alcohol with all the medications he was taking_.

“What happened?!” McCoy was on the ground in a heartbeat, grabbing Jim’s shoulders. “Who took this girl?”

“Starfleet. They”- _hiccup_ -“they took”- _hiccup_ -“the _Enterprise_.”

And it dawned on McCoy that the only way Jim would have gone back to alcohol against his own best friend’s medical advice after seven difficult, but rewarding, months of rehab would have to have been being told he was no longer Captain.

“ _Excuse me? I cleared you fucking fit for duty. Who the fuck thinks you can’t be Captain?!!”_ McCoy felt his rage growing, which only made Jim cry harder. McCoy wondered if Spock had any hand in the decision, but regrets thinking that. Spock had been there every day for the two weeks Jim had been in a coma, and then every other day and then for weeks helping Jim work back to his old physical self. They had even played 3D chess constantly for a mental break from the exhausting work, the exhausting medications, and the exhausting conditions Jim had been put through.

Jim didn’t answer. He was already trying to get up and get back to the counter, where his other four bottles of whiskey, that McCoy was going to confiscate and throw away, resided. Jim was already drunk. It would be a miracle if the boy didn’t have nightmares that night. McCoy put a hand on Jim’s arm and demanded, “No. You are going to bed, sobering up, and we will talk in the morning.” McCoy knew enough now to get some balls rolling. They had stripped Jim of his title, of his ship. Someone was going to hear McCoy rant.

Jim didn’t even protest. He’d been drinking for over three hours, and was emotionally and physically exhausted. Plus, he figured McCoy was going to kill him for drinking anyway. Might as well just let his doctor do it painlessly.

McCoy helped Jim up and got him into the bedroom without incident, letting the boy hit face first onto the mattress, tear stains now staining the sheets. Of course Jim Kirk didn’t make his bed in the morning. Or at all. McCoy needed to hire a robot, but he would do that later.

He tucked Jim into the sheets and comforter, and sat down on the chair in the far corner, near the bathroom entrance, a chair he had sat in far too many times before. Unfortunately, it had not been because of a drunken smashing party. More often it had been about weakness or nightmares. And McCoy anticipated the nightmares tonight.

Jim seemed to get to sleep in a heartbeat, and McCoy felt his breathing lift some. If anything, Jim would wake up with a headache. Hopefully no vomiting, no tremors, and no nightmares.McCoy would sit in the chair all night. It wouldn’t be the first time.

He pulled his Communicator from his pocket and dialed Spock. The Vulcan answered almost immediately. “Yes, Doctor?”

“We have a bit of a situation. I need you to come to Kirk’s apartment. The code is A847J139T100K.”


	3. Chapter 3

The circumstances of the day had been stressful at best. Spock had felt he had been pulled through a tunnel longer then the length of the Golden Gate Bridge just to figure out what exactly it was Command desired.

And it always, _always_ came back to what _exactly_ happened on that ship when Captain Kirk had willingly gone into the Warp Core – the events preceding it, and sometimes even following it. Many questions Spock himself could not answer. Other questions even Kirk could not answer. Or wouldn’t answer, for better terminology. The constant accusations was _baffling_ , to put it lightly.

With the _Enterprise_ and her crew readying for a five year mission, every individual was on top of their job like their life depended on it. So it didn’t really surprise Spock when Dr. McCoy comm’d him at midnight, his voice tight with exhaustion and frustration, even though it did leave for a puzzling expression on Spock’s face when told he should report to Kirk’s apartment. If anything, he knew that the Captain needed rest. And lots of it. Even after being cleared for duty. Of course, Spock did know that Command was still debating on whether Kirk should be given back his position as Captain. No answer had been mentioned, and Spock didn’t ask. For the time being, Spock was still acting Captain until all questions were answered and all red tape resolved.

But it didn’t settle well for Spock. Kirk had worked hard to get back to his normal self. Granted, he was on about every other medication to keep his body from rejecting the… miracle, as Dr. McCoy stated it was, that had saved his life, but that did not mean he wasn’t back to a functioning state. For as much as Spock didn’t mind being acting Captain, he would be glad to give back the position to the one he knew deserved it – Jim Kirk.

Spock entered the code McCoy had given him at the entrance to Kirk’s apartment and entered, walking down the short hall to the living room, raising his eyebrows up in contemplation at the whiskey bottles and shattered glass littering the ground.

“Dr. McCoy?” Spock called, unsure of where exactly the doctor was.

McCoy’s eyes snapped open as he heard Spock’s voice. “In the bedroom,” he called.

A rather emotionless Spock, which was normal, so McCoy didn’t even care, stood in the door way, now contemplating the sleeping Captain.

“You might as well know now that Starfleet Command has officially demoted Jim to – well, I don’t know what. They have taken away the _Enterprise_ from him. That’s all I know. I’m curious if you knew anything about this.” McCoy looked unhappy, hating to even think about what it must have been like to be told you were no longer Captain. Heck, Jim had had that happen _before_ Pike died. To be told once again he was not fit to be Captain of the _Enterprise_ must really have driven him to the alcohol. McCoy didn’t blame him. Even though his body was going to protest. McCoy worried about the potential adverse effects from the medications.

Spock’s eyes flickered from McCoy to Kirk, mouth slightly opened in surprise. “I’m unsure I understand. I thought you gave clearance for the Captain to resume duty. Last I knew, that meant the duties of the Captain.” _So they took the chair from him. How… illogical_.

The shape in the bed shifted, mumbling something indiscernible. McCoy stood up to make sure Jim was still asleep. The last thing he needed right now was a nightmare. Or vomiting. Or another hospital stay.

McCoy sighed. “I didn’t get enough out of Jim before he went to sleep, but apparently they took the _Enterprise_ from him and he went off on a drinking tangent. Mind you, I’m not happy about that. But it is understandable. He’s worked too hard to get back in shape, to be ready to take back command. That,” he points past Spock into the living room, at the whiskey, at the disaster. “That shouldn’t have happened.”

The Vulcan contemplated what McCoy had said, his mind turning thoughts around like they were nothing. Something about the whole situation did not make sense. He turned, going back out into the living room, leaving McCoy to give the man a rather bewildered look.

But Spock knew he was looking for something. Starfleet Command had to have had reasonable grounds to strip Kirk of his command, which meant there were conditions given to Kirk that allowed for Kirk to be reinstated. What that was, Spock was unsure.

Searching the living room, Spock kept an eye out for anything that might tell him what was going on. Everything Starfleet Command did was written down. It was their way of keeping organized. And making it all official.

What he was looking for was found, of all places, shoved under one of the couch cushions. Some moisture had gotten to it, but otherwise, the folder and its contents seemed intact and readable. What Spock found further concerned his ever growing thoughts.

_Mental Reasoning: unstable_

_Action: Dismissed from position of: Captain of the_ USS Enterprise

_Action: To be tested in three months for possible reinstating of position, if positive outcome achieved_

_Mr. Kirk has been enrolled in Command Scenario IV and has been instructed to attend every lecture, simulation, and test until completion of the class, with adequate marks, allowing him to take the Occam’s Razor Simulation. If he passes the simulation, he will be allowed to resume his position as Captain of the_ USS Enterprise _. If he fails the class and/or the test, he will be grounded until further notice, pending a hearing of Starfleet Command and the council._

_Mr. Kirk is to report to his first day of class on Monday._

Spock had read enough to understand what was going on. They were forcing Kirk to retrain his brain. Even though there was no evidence of his mental instability, as far as Spock could assume, they were going to push him, even if that meant failing him. It was possible something else was behind this madness, but Spock was not sure he wanted to go up against Command. He had enough going on trying to get the _Enterprise_ and her crew ready for their five year mission. Having this added to the plate was already weighing on his shoulders.

Unfortunately, matters did not help when the sleeping, drunken individual woke up screaming. Spock vividly remembered the nightmares Kirk had experienced for over three months after his awakening from a coma. They had disappeared over time, becoming less and less frightening, and less frequent. It was inevitable that they would come back after heavy drinking. If anything, Spock felt intrusive saving his Captain from the nightmare now as he had before – by performing a mind meld, helping to calm the fears and terrified images Kirk saw in his mind.

McCoy rushed past Spock, yelling, “MIND MELD WITH HIM. I’LL BE BACK WITH MY BAG!” He was out the door in a matter of seconds.

The usual nightmare never had seemed this bad, Spock thought to himself as he entered the bedroom once more. Kirk was awake, already sitting on the floor in a tangled mess of sheets and clothes, shaking with fever, and had that look that told Spock he was about to be sick. Whether that was going to be from the nightmare or the alcohol, Spock couldn’t determine.

Spock knelt, gaze not leaving Kirk’s face. “Is there anything I can offer in reply to this disaster they have placed on your shoulders?” Spock wasn’t one to place the emotions on the forefront. They ran deep within the Vulcan race. That did not mean they didn’t have them.

On the day the _Enterprise_ almost crashed and James Tiberius Kirk breathed his last, Spock had cried, terrified of the loneliness, the fear, the anger, and the confusion he knew Kirk had been feeling in his last moments. Mortified that he could not touch his Captain.His _friend_.His T’hy’la. Blaming himself for not being able to give his scared Captain an answer as to how he didn’t feel. Because at that moment, he had felt _everything_. And the emotions he had experienced that day, more than once, were emotions Spock never wanted to experience again.

But the look in Kirk’s eyes even now told Spock the nightmares were exactly the same – fear, confusion, death, and a black hole that just kept falling. And falling. And falling.

Kirk didn’t have time to even answer. He bolted for the bathroom, clutching his stomach.

Unfortunately, Spock held no sympathy in that aspect for his _former_ Captain. He drank. There were consequences. The only sympathy Spock held was for the fact Kirk was his _former_ Captain. _For the time being. Jim is rather talented in his job. He will breeze through the course and the test._ Confidence was something Spock had for his friend that much he knew. Even if he couldn’t express it at that particular moment.

The door to the apartment opened and McCoy breezed in, his bag of medical supplies in his hand. He could hear the unpleasant sounds from the bathroom and knew it was going to be a long night.

“Did you mind meld?” McCoy asked as he set his bag on the bed, reaching inside for a hypo.

“We did not, Doctor.”

He groaned. “It’s going to be a _really_ long night.”

Spock put his hands behind his back, neatly folding them. “I correctly assumed they were the same nightmares. They will continue in his predicament, Doctor. That much I am certain. But you must know that Starfleet Command is ordering Jim back to the Academy.”

That stopped McCoy’s work as he heard _exactly_ what Spock was saying. “As in, ‘throw away the gold shirt, don the red, and be a _fucking_ cadet again?!’”

The Vulcan nodded. “He is being required to take Command Scenario IV again.”

“Oh god, you two fucking snooped. Stop,” came the rather angered, but weakened, reply from Kirk. Only a small reprieve from the vomiting allowed him to curse them fully.

McCoy rolled his eyes as he entered the bathroom and squatted beside his sick friend. “We were going to find out.”

“Like Starfleet Command is even going to allow me to _pass_ let alone take the stupid test they want me to take at the end. They think I have ‘critical thinking’ difficulties and fuck, Bones, I’m going to be sitting in the class I aced until Spock failed my ass with the Kobayashi Maru. I have memory problems, not fucking critical thinking problems.” Jim looked sore, tired, still drunk, but also relatively pissed at his own predicament. Needless to say, the nightmare had worn off quicker than ever.

McCoy jabbed the hypo into Jim’s neck, smirking as Jim winced at the pain for a second. “Antiemetic. It should help you from tossing all your cookies tonight. Granted, you are going back to the hospital in the morning so I can make sure all your medications are still working. Did you even take those tonight?”

His friend didn’t answer.

“Didn’t think so. And if you are so worried about hanging out with senior cadets who still think they are going to be joining our crew in five months for our five year mission, then show off to them. The class should be nothing to you. It should be the easiest thing ever. You’ve been on _how_ many missions, discussion making every five seconds, and fucking winning most of the time?” McCoy shoved the hypo into his back pocket and gave his friend a once over. “Once you’re sober, I’m sure you’ll make more sense.”

Jim shoved Bones so hard, the doctor landed on his back, cursing hard. “Fuck, Jim.”

“I’ll be lucky if they don’t _ground me_. I was told if I didn’t pass, I wouldn’t even be fucking _First Officer_. _Not even FUCKING FIRST OFFICER. NOT EVEN STUCK IN ENGINEERING OR SOMETHING. FUCKING GROUNDED. ON EARTH. SPACE IS MY ONLY HOME, BONES. MY. ONLY.FUCKING.HOME. PIKE IS DEAD. MY FAMILY IS DEAD. THEY CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!_ ”

And it was at the point in time McCoy knew Jim would be all right; because even when he was drunk, and throwing up, he knew exactly where to hurt his friends.

Spock, realizing he was no longer needed, quietly slipped out of the apartment. Outside, he contemplated the night’s events. The most disturbing part of it all was that he had no control over his friend’s fate. Kirk would have to walk the line alone. It was his brain Command was worried about. But Spock knew that if push came to shove, everyone on the _Enterprise_ would defend Jim Kirk’s captaincy without a second thought.

It was a thought Spock found oddly reassuring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fanfic keeps getting LONGER. lol. 
> 
> Anyway, sorry about the delays in posting. I'm trying to finish it before I go all bonkers and post it all. I'm almost finished, but now I have a very busy few days ahead, and writing may be hard to fit in. So, I will attempt to not keep everyone waiting so long! 
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos. And thank you for reading :)


	4. Chapter 4

It was mostly disbelief, with a touch of anguish, _and was that anger McCoy saw?_ , in the eyes and expressions of the _USS Enterprise_ senior officers and other important individuals late the next morning as they were all told that Jim Kirk would not be coming back as Captain at that time.

“Spock will continue to be acting Captain until Command has deemed Kirk fit for duty or otherwise...” McCoy couldn’t bring himself to say _grounded_ or anything of the sort. It seemed like a curse had fallen them all. While Spock was a worthy commanding officer in the Captain’s chair, it still didn’t feel the same. Jim had given his _life_ for his ship and his crew. It didn’t seem fair to steal that chair away from him and force him to do a meaningless class all to gain that chair back.

“What exactly is Command worried about? They gave him the _Enterprise_ 18 months ago without freaking out. Pike wouldn’t have wanted to see it any other way,” Chief Communications Officer Lieutenant Nyota Uhura mentioned, her face full of regret. Somehow, there was so much she couldn’t even do for Kirk, and she had done as much as she could during his rehab. Now it was too far out of her hands.

“Apparently they don’t think he can make safe command decisions. He’s going back to school.”

Ensign Pavel Chekov’s hand shot up into the air, his eyes glowing in excitement, his body shaking like he had had too much caffeine.

“Yes, Chekov?”

Helmsman Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu nudged Chekov, muttering, “Smartass.”

Chekov was grinning, “Going back to school, like, school books and tests?”

McCoy tried not to laugh. “Yes, Chekov. That’s exactly what he has to do. And mind you, he’s about as genius as you.”

“What does this mean for the rest of us?” Sulu asked.

“We keep repairing the _Enterprise_ and training. If anything, I’ll drag Kirk aboard the ship before take off in five months, even if he’s supposed to be grounded. I’ve done it before, and I’ll do it again.”

That managed to make everyone sigh in relief. McCoy dismissed them back to their duties and everyone left, except for one.

“You think the Captain can do it?” Chief engineer Montgomery Scott was heavily involved in the repair of the engineering section on the _Enterprise_ , and her warp core, knowing they were going to need a reliable Captain to be at her head. If it wasn’t Kirk though….

“Jim is the smartest person I know. If anything, he’ll fake his way through it, pass the test, and show Starfleet how much of an ass they are for making him do it. He’ll make it. He has to.”

Scotty nodded. “You’ll keep us updated?”

“Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going on vacation. For a week. I'm sorry this chapter is so short. It's kind of how the fanfic went with scenes. I have not finished writing it, but will attempt to write it on my plane trip or something. I'm sure I can find time :D In the mean time, enjoy. And thank you for all the kudos and hits. You guys rock!


	5. Chapter 5

Kirk skidded to a halt outside lecture hall 30, breathing hard. He was late, and he knew it. But for as much luck as he had with having gotten up early, Bones had been pestering him about his health, and of course, Kirk had no desire to be back inside the halls of the Academy. But he was doing it. Begrudgingly.

The door into the lecture hall slid open and waiting impatiently at the entrance was the same exact professor Kirk had had two years ago. Professor Charles Wimbold. Who didn’t like tardiness _at all_.

“Mr. Kirk. It is such a pleasure to know you still cannot make it to class on time.”

Kirk stood tall. “Sorry, sir. I have a pesky doctor. It shouldn’t happen again.” _Though, obviously my reputation in this class is going to be a thing still._

The rest of the class inside the lecture hall snickered. Most of them would recognize the famous Captain. What he was doing in their class was a bit of a mystery.

“Find a seat, Kirk. Starfleet Command dictates I have to let you into my class. What for, I will never know. I passed you to get you out of here. Even though your stunt with the Kobayashi Maru test was not funny.” Professor Wimbold turned, finished with the conversation, and was down the steps so fast Kirk was still blinking in surprise.

_So, obviously, he doesn’t know why I’m retaking this blasted class either. That makes two of us._

Eyeing the empty back row, Kirk slipped into the last seat, setting his PADD on the table in front of him. He figured every gaze was on him, but honestly, he didn’t care. He was going to get through the next three months, take the test, and get back into space. _Five year mission!_

Up front, Professor Wimbold cleared his throat. “Welcome to your final command class, Cadets. I’m not going to tell you congratulations yet. You have a hell of a long way to graduation. You not only have 10 weeks of instruction, including 18 simulations and two major tests, but you also have a little test you’ve been preparing for since you stepped on this campus as Cadets in the Command College. The Kobayashi Maru.

“Thanks to the cheating efforts of Mr. Kirk, the test has been altered since originally crafted to perfection by Commander Spock.” Kirk managed a smirk as a few of the students looked back at him. Oh, he may have cheated, but the test had been unwinnable, something Kirk could _not_ agree with. So he added a subroutine and beat the scenario on his third try. Of course, it had grounded him, and made Bones feel pity on him, so he still got on the _Enterprise_ anyway, just not officially. In the end, the world was safe, right? _And now I have died… funny circumstances…_

“But the lesson is still the same. What is that lesson? You will find out when you get into the test. As for now, you will read, regurgitate, fight, and take command of your own simulation. And hopefully pass.

“As I said, there are 18 simulations. Each of you, and there are 18 of you, will be Captain in exactly one of those simulations. The rest of the time, you will be performing other roles, understanding those roles so you understand your crew one day, and giving feedback to the Captain-of-the-day. The simulations are grueling. Some of you will walk out crying. I expect by the time we hit the fifth week, three of you will have dropped out of this class. One of you will leave San Francisco to never return. They demand every part of your being – physical, mental, emotional, and every other part of you. Your social life will be nonexistent. This isn’t Command Scenario III, Cadets. This is the big league. You will be in uniform and ten minutes early to _every_ class and _every_ simulation. If you aren’t, you will earn a zero for the day. Do I _make_ myself clear?!”

Every student in the room, even Kirk, yelled, “Yes, Sir!”

Professor Wimbold smiled. “Good. Now pair up. You are going to find someone who is _not_ sitting next to you. And yes, Mr. Kirk, that means you must participate. I will tell everyone what we are going to do after you all have a partner.”

Kirk rolled his eyes as a straight brown haired, black eyed human male walked up from the first row, extending his hand in greeting. “Your reputation warrants an interest as to why you are sitting in on this class, Mr. Kirk. I’m Richard.”

Kirk sighed as he took it. “I’m… observing.”

“While participating?”

Kirk glared. “And since you know me, I guess we’re a pair. We better pay attention.”

_Just 10 weeks and that damn test…_  Kirk thought.

~~~~~

“I’m changing your dosages again.”

“Bones, no. I feel _fine_. The last time you messed with them, I ended up with a moon face.”

Bones managed a laugh as the tricorder ran over Jim as he sat on the exam table, his fingers running up and down his PADD.

“Yes, and it went away after a week.”

“One week of _miserable looks_. I’m the patient. Don’t I get a say?”

Bones sighed. “I upped your steroid last time. This time I want to up your thyroid and your anti-rejection. You did actually notice the rash on your legs, _right_?”

Jim shrugged. “I barely see my face these days, Bones.”

“Okay, come on. You have to look at yourself in the shower. You had to have noticed the redness. But since you don’t seem to know, I can’t guess how long you’ve had it. And you rejecting the meds or the blood would not sit pretty.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you say that _every_ week.”

His doctor and best friend walked over to the cabinet in the room and pulled out a hypo. “I’ll give you an upped dosage now and then get you a refill on your meds with the upped dosages. Pay attention to your _legs_ , Jim. Make sure the redness goes away. Any other problems, I’m always around.”

Jim smirked. “Duh.”

“What are you so busy scrolling through anyway?” Bones tried peeking over Jim’s shoulder as he readied the hypo, but Jim hugged it close.

“School work.”

“Let me guess, exactly the same as two years ago? Don’t you even have the same teacher?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. But I’m still going to study my ass off. I have my simulation in two weeks. And we have these partners – my partner’s name is _Richard_ – and he’s my First Officer and I’m his, and it’s like, corny as hell. And he is SO annoying. I cannot wait for these ten weeks to be over.”

Bones laughed. “Of course you would say that.” He stuck the hypo against Jim’s neck and made his patient yelp. “Oh, don’t be such an infant.”

“You fucking hate me, and you know it,” Jim muttered, rubbing his neck.

“You can leave now. Other then upping your medications and your rash, you are perfect. I don’t want to see you as my patient for another two weeks.”

“Are we on for the bar tonight?” Jim asked as he stood in the doorway, his PADD neatly shoved under his right arm.

“As long as you are a good boy and only touch the non-alcoholic stuff.”

Jim groaned. “IT WAS ONCE, BONES. I WON’T DO IT AGAIN.”

His doctor muttered something under his breath about right, really, Jim. And then shoved his patient out the door. “Go study. I’ll see you tonight.”

And his patient was laughing the _whole_ way down the hallway to the nurse’s station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from vacation! I am going to finish writing this fanfic over the next few days (so glad I am officially OUT OF SCHOOL!! As in: graduated!). It's mapped out, so it'll come to 19 chapters plus an epilogue. Anyway, vacation was fun. Ideas abounded from loads of places - I kind of only read Star Trek the whole time. lol. Thanks for sticking with me guys!


	6. Chapter 6

The simulation room was a _mess_. Kirk leaned up against the wall, sucking in a deep breath of - _what was that smell anyway?_

He had been forced to be Communications Officer while some dimwit in the class tried to fight _Klingons_. Badly. Horribly. With no skill at all. This was _Command Scenario IV,_ and they still hadn’t mastered acing the damn SIMULATION! Like this individual even knew _anything_. Plus, no one in the class really knew any other languages except English and Kirk assumed the blue guy actually _knew_ Andorian, so they all looked really lost and kind of stumped when it came to languages being yelled at them. They didn’t have Uhura in the class. Which was a shame. Kirk didn’t know _any Klingon either_. _And this is why I have Uhura. She can actually communicate with them. Just like she did on Qo’noS. Oh, I’m sneaking her in for my simulation,_ Kirk thought to himself as the Captain of the simulation _failed. And this loser is not coming onto my ship, at all…_

“Simulation is over, Cadets. Kirk, you’re first for review,” the voice in the overhead speaker announced, leaving every Cadet in the simulation room crying, stunned, or well… _depressed_.

Except for Kirk. He really didn’t _care_. His simulation wasn’t for another week, but man, did the dimwits training before him have _so much_ to learn. And in retrospect, Kirk knew he had almost been the same. He had still been cocky and a nuisance, but there was one thing no one disagreed with: he could do it. Kind of…. He’d learned, of course. Oh, and he’d kind of been book smart. Just fucking smart was the way to put it.

_Pike…_

“KIRK!”

Shoving off from the wall, he rolled his eyes, exited the simulation room out one of the only two doors, grabbed the chair he had sat in twice before as stupid bystanders roleplaying as some other dimwit in the class tried to battle whatever challenge was ahead of them in simulation, and sat down in front of Professor Wimbold. “Yup.”

“As much as you, and I, don’t care for you to be here, Mr. Kirk, you still have to _participate_.”

Kirk looked up. “I did. I don’t know Klingon any better than the rest of them. Now, if you had my own Communications Officer in there, Uhura-“

“Mr. Kirk. You don’t have a Communications Officer. At the moment, you are supposed to be reviewing Cadet Deuran. Or are you just going to waste my time in here today, in all the simulations, oh, and in my class?” Professor Wimbold neatly folds his hands, waiting on Kirk’s response.

_Don’t fail, don’t fail, JUST don’t fail. Breathe, Jim. Just get through these few weeks. Just… play the part. DO IT_.

“Deuran failed in one aspect: he can’t control his crew.” And Kirk got up and left.

Professor Wimbold stared at the empty chair, shrugged, knew he should have reprimanded the man on leaving without being released even though he knew it would have made no difference, wrote down what Kirk had said, and called in the next Cadet. Kirk had been right: the Cadet who had taken the seat couldn’t control his crew. Which did not make for a smooth simulation, let alone a smooth mission.

~~~~~

After a long week of studies and simulations, Jim Kirk was sitting at the bar, brooding. With tea. Something Spock and Uhura had gotten him into during rehab, especially when alcohol was strictly forbidden. Until he was weaned off his medications permanently, which didn’t seem to be any time soon as Bones was adamant about the fact he was ‘still healing and still in a danger zone’ _whatever the fuck that meant,_ he wasn’t allowed around the alcohol. Oh, he’d snuck a few. And then that one drunken mishap after being told he was stripped of his position had kind of happened _in front of Bones_. But for the most part, he was being good and not actually inhaling the alcohol anymore.

That didn’t mean he didn’t come to the bar and brood. And/or check out a really good looking girl. With Uhura still attached to Spock, and Carol Marcus still in therapy and basically absent from his life for the most part, he kind of missed the flirting. There were rumors that said Carol was attempting to get onto the _Enterprise_ during its five year mission. Since Jim was not Captain, he had no say. That was up to Command… and Spock.

As for the flirting, well…

“Aren’t you a space ship captain?” a voice beside him said in a _sweet, ear cringing tone_. He flirted with cute girls. Not… whatever he just heard.

His head turned toward the voice, smiling. “Hmmm. I might be.” Was he about to lie? Say he was a Captain? Because at the moment, he _wasn’t_. He was kind of grounded. Back when he had officially been in the Academy and taking classes, it had been common for girls to tease him, ask him what he was training to be, and then get all excited because star ship Captains were legit.

And now it just seemed like a lost cause.

“Were you in the recent battle fight?” Her face was the palest of whites, her eyes a deep green. Her lips had the appearance of a blood red tinge, like she had just bitten into the blood stream of some unsuspecting human, possibly an animal. It made her oddly uninteresting and definitely _not_ his type.

But he kept going. He hadn’t had an interaction like this with a female for _a while_. Long before… before he’d lost his ship _the first time_. _Before Pike died…_

“Now that might be classified, but I also might be willing to spill.” He grinned, feeling like a sly bastard. Yeah, he still had this business under control. That much he knew he had.

She smiled back. “Tell me _all_ your secrets,” she purred with her face barely inches from his.

“How did I know I would find you here? Of ALL places!” Bones loudly sat beside Kirk, opposite the female, fury written all over his face, a touch of… _was that fear_? Kirk thought as he glared at Bones, the moment he had been in rudely disrupted.

“I-“ Kirk turned back to the female, but she was gone. _Damn it._

“Starfleet Command just fucking grilled me for the millionth time. And guess what they asked me about _this time?_ ”

Kirk groaned. He could only guess. “Hmm… me?”

Bones slammed his hands on the counter, frustrated. “’Is Mr. Kirk really fit for duty? What about all the medications he is on? How do they affect him day by day? What are their potential side effects? Can he safely perform the everyday duties of a Captain? Is he emotionally stable?’ Like, fuck, how much do they want to know and why do they _care_? You’re already taking the fucking command class. You obviously can function. I had more important shit to do today. They are really getting on my nerves.” Bones wasn’t going to say more. If he did, he might piss of an already strained friendship. At least, that’s what it felt like. Kirk was changed – in ways immeasurable and unseen.

Kirk sighed. “I’m sure they’ll drag me in there soon. Like they haven’t gotten everything out of me already. They might as well have stolen my soul at this point.” He wants a beer so badly, but with Bones nearby, it was never going to happen. _Fuck this situation. I am not going backwards. That ISN’T HOW IT WORKS_.

Bones grunted. Everything was fucked up, and they all knew it. The only good part was… what? The _Enterprise_ still being repaired in Riverside, Iowa? The fact they were about to go on a five year mission possibly _without_ their Captain? Jim stuck on earth? What good was there? _Would anything ever be okay again_?

“You know, whatever happened to that Tribble?”

“I may or may not have given it to acting Captain Spock.”

Kirk busted up laughing, snorting into his tea. “Oh my god, how the hell did you manage _that_ one?”

“Tribble’s enjoy Vulcans. And seeing as I really didn’t want Command in on the testing of the Tribble, or start poking and prodding you to hell, I might have fudged a few reports, lied here and there, and conveniently declined any mention of the Tribble. But hell, while you were out stone cold for two weeks, I had to understand what was going on with you. And that Tribble was extremely useful. Spock just… watched over it, so to speak, while I was tending to you.”

“Does he still _have_ it?”

Bones looked down at the drink he had gotten a few minutes before. _Do I tell him the damn thing might have died because I was extremely frustrated?_

“ _Bones_.”

“Spock might have been absent when I kind of… killed it…”

Kirk didn’t even respond. He just gave his best friend a look of peer and utter disbelief.

“I was frustrated, okay. It had problems. I don’t want to discuss it.”

Kirk shrugged. “Whatever you say, Bones. Whatever you say.”

The doctor rolled his eyes. “It died from an infection. They might be balls of fucking fur and purr _all the shit ass time_ , but damn, bring them back to life and their immune system is _shot_.”

“Wait, is that why-“

“Jim, I have to be honest. Tribbles are not the same as humans. So don’t think I haven’t tried regulating your immune system. It’s why I am so anal with you. Why I was and kind of still am. You’re fine seeing as your immune system is pretty fucking able to do its job so far, but I can’t be sure it won’t fail. It’s why you just have to _be careful_.”

“And you’re telling me this _now._ ”

“YOU NEVER FUCKING ASKED. YOU HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING CARED. OH MY GOD, JIM. THIS IS YOUR LIFE WE’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

People in the bar gave the pair of friends looks as Kirk grabbed Bones’ arm, left money on the counter for the bartender, and dragged his friend outside.

“Jim-“

“I _do_ care. Don’t give me shit about this notion that I somehow don’t. I shouldn’t be _alive_ , Bones. I shouldn’t even have to fight for my crew or my ship. But I am. And I’m weary of the prospects. I’m not the same person I was when I went into that warp core. Spock is different. He barely _talks_ to me. You keeping secrets about _my health_ does not help. I want to know the whole truth. I fucking endured months of rehabilitation to get to this point, and I am stuck fighting for my mental stability. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m supposed to be showing to Command. I _shouldn’t be alive_. I lost so many crew… so many people. I almost lost my ship. It was my _entire fault_. I thought that maybe for one _second_ I could do something right. And I did. I fucking did. _Bones, I shouldn’t be alive_.” 

The doctor had gone quiet, realizing he hadn’t _really_ been listening to his patient. Jim had every right to understand his situation. To understand the options. To… understand what they had done.

“Bones-“

“Fuck Command. Beat that fucking class. And that test. I know you are fucking fit to command the _Enterprise_. I don’t doubt it in the least. Please know that. I hated seeing you _basically dead_ in my sickbay. Don’t you dare think I regret for one _second_ bringing you back. I wasn’t even sure you would come back. But you are back. And you have so much more life to life. You’re 27, Jim. _The youngest Starship Captain_. And fuck Command if they take that away from you. You don’t deserve their cruelty. I won’t let them take it away from you. _I needed you. It’s why I never fucking slept when you were in a coma._ And don’t you dare tell me you shouldn’t be alive. Fuck, you should have seen Spock. He was a mess. He still _is_. Figure out whatever the fuck you need with him, and do it fast. Because you are here, alive, RIGHT. NOW.”

They both just kind of stared at each other, thoughts racing. So much said… so much _not_ said.

“I didn’t mean-“

“Oh fuck it, Jim. I know what you meant. And I know you don’t regret being alive. You regret losing people. You regret having endangered all our lives in the first place. But let me tell you: that’s the past. The future is before us. You are alive, and you are GOING to fucking Captain us. I won’t let them take that from you. Not if I can help it.

“Now can we go home? You have class in the morning.”

Kirk really had no _idea_ how to respond. _I have no idea what I’m doing_. He still had no idea what he was doing. Had he been right when he had told Spock they needed someone who could command the _Enterprise_ , and it hadn’t been him? _Fuck. Can I do this?_

Bones grabbed Kirk’s hand and dragged him down the sidewalk towards a waiting taxi. The conversation was sadly… over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me being absent. I have had a ton going on. But I am close to getting finished. Plot bunnies for other stories are screaming. Thanks for bearing with me!!!
> 
> And yes, Bones and Jim just have this pent up frustration because well, Bones is pissed Jim died and like, he's unsure about Jim's health, and JIM JUST LOVES TO PISS ME OFF, SO.... these two. I swear *facepalm*


	7. Chapter 7

Two days after his partner epically aced his simulation, Kirk sat in the seat he was most familiar with: the Captain's chair. It was his simulation. His first officer was Richard, his communications officer was Erica (sadly not Uhura), his helmsman was Dueran (not an adequate Sulu), his navigator was a girl by the name of Shalee (nowhere near as bright as Chekov), his chief engineer Jason (adequate, showed promise in command), and all the rest of his classmates were scattered across the mock ship, holding positions as the ship raced for Klingon space to _catch a war criminal_. Kirk thought to himself, _okay, this is oddly familiar._

So far, despite the de ja vu, Kirk felt pretty confident. His experiences as Captain really gave him perspective. And maybe the de ja vu feeling was applicable: he knew what to do in this situation. _Right?_

He played along, though. It was his grade, and he kind of needed to pass the class so he could get on with life. He felt like he was stuck in time – the rest of his crew was getting ready for a five year mission. He was trying to get back on his feet with Command and prove to them he was still mentally able to Captain his crew and his ship.

But, unfortunately, it didn’t help when the scenario he was going through _really was exactly like his_ experience not many months before. Which really didn’t make any sense. All records of what had occurred during the John Harrison were sealed shut. Even his own _death_ was sealed tightly in a box, never to be spoken of. Confidential, for top eyes only, that kind of thing.

_So why is my simulation basically forcing me into the same situations I… I accomplished months ago_?

There was one thing the simulation couldn’t stop him from doing. Nor could he stop himself. Anxiety attacks. The bane of his existence. An external force pounding on his head, his body, and basically causing it to hyperventilate and go into ‘freak out’ mode. And the attacks _sucked_.

_This is extremely uncomfortable._

Kirk couldn’t focus. He really wasn’t sure what he was going to do next. He had been through this before and ended up getting half his crew killed, and then the situation had forced him to enter the warp core. It had been _his_ decisions that had screwed everything up. He had been the problem. No one else.

And he couldn’t seem to change his decisions with this simulation.

And it basically ate at him the whole time.

He felt his world crashing around him after he made another command somewhere along in the simulation, and he just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to follow through with this simulation any longer. He shouldn’t have to. He couldn’t explain to anyone why, but he really didn’t want to.

He froze. His chest ached as his breathing picked up about a mile a minute. His heart was thumping in his chest, and his ears were ringing. He couldn’t hear any of his classmates. _Nothing_.

_Spock… Spock, I’m scared… help me… help me not be… oh god, Spock. Help. I can’t. I can’t do this. I made horrible decisions. I was wrong. I was so wrong. I got so many people killed. I… I killed myself. I-_

“The simulation is done for the day. Mr. Kirk has permission to leave and will be debriefed at a later time. Every other student will file back into the classroom for a group discussion. That is all.”

Kirk barely heard the voice, but he got the meaning, and without giving any of his classmates, especially not his fake first officer, another look, he bolted from the simulation room.

He ran. He made it outside before leaning up against the wall, his vision blurring. _Damn it. Damn it all. I can’t do this. I can’t_.

~~~~

The cold shower had helped.

His resolve was not okay, but for now he was going to be _okay_ , in whatever means he meant it to be.

He knew one thing and one thing only: he was going to go to the _Enterprise_. And no one was going to stop him. He wasn’t going to mention it to any of his crew – friends/family – and definitely _not_ to Bones, or even Spock. He was going to go because he needed to understand.

He needed to know if he could do this. If he could honestly, truly, continue being the Captain of the _USS Enterprise_ and her shining crew. Was he worthy of them? And was he still mentally capable of what he was expected to do?

_The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain._

He couldn’t even master fear any longer. Panic attacks. Anxiety. _Fear_.

_I'm scared, Spock. Help me not be. How do you choose not to feel?_

_I do not know. Right now, I am failing._

_I want you to know why I couldn't let you die... why I went back for you..._

_Because you are my friend._

 

“Damn it, Spock,” Kirk swore out of frustration, running an already trembling hand through his hair. He wanted alcohol so badly. But he knew he shouldn’t. He’d already basically made Bones his enemy.

 

It was bad enough knowing they were heavily involved in training and were a little oblivious to his… school schedule. He couldn’t even tell them about the simulation. Thinking about it was panic inducing.

 

“I’m going to be fine… right?”


	8. Chapter 8

Kirk was quiet as the pilot descended into Iowa. As much as he had no intention of ever returning, there was one thing he had come for: her _. The USS Enterprise_. Currently not his ship. Currently under the command of acting Captain Spock. But that wouldn't stop Kirk from visiting. The last time he had been was while in physical therapy, and his therapist had suggested some incentive. It had been difficult. Kirk had visited the bridge and walked around some, but the ship had mostly been a huge mess of repairs and he hadn't even stepped into engineering. It was his plan today to visit. He needed some answers. It was hard enough being back in a class at the academy, even harder when his nightmares were consistently about his and Spock's last moments. Not to mention, Kirk really needed to know if he was okay with being Captain. He had a hint of a feeling that Starfleet was influencing his confusion and regret. It wasn't helpful.

"In Riverside, Mr. Kirk."

Bones had no idea he had left San Francisco. The guy had been on his case about everything the past few weeks, and he needed a break. Having had an extremely panic invoking simulation the day before, Kirk really didn't want the doctor around.

"Thanks. I will be back in a few hours, no more than five," Kirk responded, standing from the seat. He stretched, his face flushed and his feet feeling weird. _Eh, just pressure changes. I’ll be fine._

The pilot nodded, opened the air lock, and wandered out behind Kirk as they both set off in their own directions.

He could see her tail, up above him and a few thousand feet away. She was looking so much better then when he was last there. He smiled. "Hi, girl. I came for a visit. Did ya miss me?"

He passed many workers as shift change occurred, many individuals nodding in his direction.

Kirk knew most of the crew was not there that day. Spock was involved in the training that day back at Starfleet Headquarters. Most of the work that day seemed to be everything that didn't involve the necessary crew of Spock, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, Sulu, Carol Marcus, and even Bones himself. Though, Bones was so focused on Kirk that sick bay was being reinvented by trained eyes on this end and video chats at that end. Those were going... well, not smoothly. But Kirk couldn't get Bones off his back if he tried. _Psh, if he knew I had come today, he would have sedated me and I would never have heard the end of that._

He took a lift to where crews flowed in and out of the _Enterprise_ , hard at work carrying supplies and talking and pointing. It wasn't all upgrades. There had been a lot of structural damage and most of it was looking patched up, reinforced, and ready for a long journey. Plus engineering had basically gone crazy because not only did the warp core break, but there were a lot of messed up pieces from what Admiral Marcus had done to strand them in Klingon space.

Taking another lift up, Kirk wandered himself to engineering, praying hard he didn't have a panic attack. He needed clarity. And understanding. Could he successfully Captain the _Enterprise_ again, or was he fooling himself? Because after that disaster of a simulation, he was doubting everything. _I think I’m kidding myself thinking I can be back in the Captain’s chair. Will every situation give me a panic attack? Am I destined to freak out over everything?_

The door slid open and Kirk just stared. Few people were around. It looked relatively the same as when he had last been around, back when... the event had occurred. He assumed the upgrades were finished and that now all the _Enterprise_ needed was a touch up in places, a test drive, and she would be ready for her five year mission.

At least, that's what Kirk kept telling himself as he stepped out of the lift, taking deep breaths. He already was feeling like his world was tunneling, and he hated it. He had wanted so hard to last, to at least think before he panicked. It wasn't fair. He NEEDED this.

And just as fast as the feeling had come, it left. He felt better. He could see clearly. He could breathe. His heart was still going crazy, but he was making progress.

He put one foot in front of the other and willed himself to keep an open mind. The few people that were around nodded to him but didn't say anything. They could see his sheet-white face and shaking hands. It was one thing to be calm in the face of trauma, and it was another to have to keep up a conversation along with that trauma.

That's what had happened. It had been a trauma. He had DIED. Of his own accord. And he had been terrified. Grief stricken. He knew he had been a dead man going into that warp core. But the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few, or the one. And his life compared to his crew and his beloved ship was nothing. Absolutely nothing. Which was why his ship had been the first thing he asked about when Spock had come around. Plus it had been a distraction. From reality. As long as he had saved his ship, his crew - it was okay to die. Even if he had been scared. So scared.

And now he was back. Alive. Thanks to... to Khan and his blood.

And the _panic_ attacks and the fear and the _what do you call it? Mind numbing issues. And the fucking needles and Bones. And Spock not talking to me. And the fact I fucking blew it on my simulation and I just… I don’t want to_ fail.

Kirk stopped short of the last corner to the warp core entrance. It was too soon. Coming this far into engineering was already making him break out in sweat. His feet ached and now his hands. He felt light headed and weary. Leaning up against a temporary holding pillar, he managed to take a few deep breaths. _It's okay Jim, you're fine. You did good. You got into engineering. You don't have to go any further if you don't want to. It's okay to not want to see the place you died ever again. It’s okay to… to panic._

_Totally logical._

But Kirk felt a tug he couldn't understand, and his feet were pulling him around the corner.  
He felt hot tears and a blinding headache set in as he saw the door. It had been the only thing separating himself from the rest of the world. It had been cool when he set his hand against it, desperate to feel Spock's presence, even if for just a second. But he couldn't. No one could enter and he couldn't exit until the radiation levels were safe. But Kirk had known he would be dead by then. Even though Bones had told him he had only been unconscious once he arrived in sickbay - barely alive, barely dead.

And the fact Kirk hadn't been able to feel Spock's touch put the recovering, grounded hero on the floor just within sight of his own death spot, his chest aching, his breathing ragged, and the tears flowing nonstop.

"I don't deserve this ship or this crew. I didn't deserve you, Chris. I miss you to hell and back. Would you believe I did it? _I fucking had a no-win scenario_. And I was the one who created it. I fucked up. I got half my ship killed, and my girl is still not back in one piece yet. I died. And I am alive. And they want to take my world from me. I don't understand any of it. I have panic attacks once a week, if not more when provoked, I have nightmares every night, and my body can't seem to figure out if it wants to live or die. And I can't seem to figure out if I want to be captain any more. Is space worth it? Is this ship worth it? Is my crew worth it? Am I worth it? Because this pain, this frustration is almost not worth it. I just want to… to _be Captain_ ," Kirk whispered, feeling a weight lift from his shoulders. Like he had needed to just cry and let it all out. The regret from the death of his surrogate father, the pain of messing up, the reality of his death, and the revelation of his resurrection. From bottom up he had to grow. To learn. To live and die. To become anew.

Wiping at his tear stained face, Kirk finally felt like he had figured something out. _I can do this. I’ve been through a lot of shit lately, and I have more shit to get through. I just… I want to be Captain. I have to be. I owe it to my crew! They are… they are my family_.

He got up, ready to wander the rest of his ship. It was still his. _Period_. No one could take her away from him. No one.

As he left behind his past, he vaguely realized that the staff hanging around engineering had purposely left him alone. Which wasn't a bad thing. Having a _minor_ , _fuck it that was major_ , anxiety attack was not something Kirk was proud of. Maybe he was mentally off. No, wait, he had been told it was normal after his trauma. Go figure.

He let himself wander to sickbay and the bridge, more workers nodding in his direction, a few saying hi. No one mentioned anything triggering, and no one mentioned that he probably shouldn’t have been there. If anything, most everyone working on the _Enterprise_ knew that the acting Captain was Spock, and would be until the foreseeable future. Starfleet Command would see how Kirk’s rehabilitation went, and if he failed, they would either give Spock the full title or get a new Captain. The one solution Kirk would not be okay with. If anyone were to have the _Enterprise_ , she deserved to have Spock as her Captain. No one else.

At the end of his mini walk/tour, he made his way back to the shuttle he had come in, the pilot already back, much earlier than planned.

Kirk settled in the seat, feeling exhaustion fall over him. He still felt hot and crappy. Numbness had spread up from his toes into his legs. It had also settled in his hands. He had no idea what was going on with him physically. Other then he was pretty sure he had a fever. And he didn’t really want to tell Bones.

It was going to be a long flight back to San Francisco.

~~~~

Kirk was making extremely slow progress back to his residence. He was pretty sure he had no idea what his legs were doing and a headache had surfaced. _I should honestly see Bones. Even though I bet I’m going to end up in the emergency room, and Bones is going to have a fit if I did something to myself._

“Kirk!” a female voice called after him, footsteps coming up behind him.

“Hey,” he managed to get out, feeling light headed. His eyes swam as he saw it was Uhura who had called his name. He didn’t mind that. He just wondered if he really looked like death warmed over. He certainly felt like it.

“You don’t look all right. Where have you been all day? Dr. McCoy has been-“

He held up a hand. “I’m fine. I promise. And _of course_ he has.” Kirk managed to laugh. Bones was never going to let him off for going to the _Enterprise._ He just… he had really needed the time away. He had been cooped up in the city for too long. Even if Iowa had really been his last choice to fix his girl. She deserved better. A lot better.

Uhura put hands on her hips. “He’s your doctor, and your _friend_ , Jim. Not to mention, you really do _not_ look fine.”

“I went to the _Enterprise_. It was a long ass trip there and back. I’m fine. End of story.” But he knew as he said that, she was going to see right through him.

“Oh my god. You went to Iowa. Are you NUTS?!” Uhura looked like she was about to cream her friend, but she didn’t get a chance.

They had stopped walking as Kirk blinked, tried to take a step forward, _couldn’t_ , swayed, and crumpled to the ground.

Uhura managed a scream that sounded like, “OMG, KIRK!!!” She hit her knees, her communicator out and dialing Bones while she frantically shook her friend. He didn’t respond. His breathing was shallow, hardly noticeable. She didn’t like it _at all_.

 _“_ What?” came the gruff sound of a probably-just-awakened Bones.

“Meet me at the hospital. Kirk just collapsed.”

“ _Fuck_.”


	9. Chapter 9

_Can I have two milligrams of morphine, and where the HELL is my antibiotic?_

It was the first thing Kirk heard as he came around, his chest aching. He felt like he had just ran a marathon, couldn’t catch his breath, and every part of his body screamed for attention. _He was on fire, he was pretty sure_.

“Bones!” He wanted to yell, but it came out as a moan.

His doctor, the one who had ceremoniously _brought him back to life and kept him from keeling over the past eight months_ , was by his side in an instant. “You fucking idiot. You _went to Iowa and got an infection_! You should never have-“

Kirk couldn’t feel his hand, but he managed to reach up, with a lot of strength he really didn’t have, and grab Dr. McCoy’s shirt. “ _I…I can’t feel my body_.”

“Your nerves shut down. They’re being attacked. You’re also a fucking furnace. I’m getting antibiotics into you as fast as possible. You are breathing at a really fast rate.” Bones had a tricorder out, his mind occupied as the nurse beside him delivered the ordered morphine, the antibiotic nearby ready to be hung.

“ _Bones. I can’t... I can’t breathe._ ” And Kirk was done with this shit. He had felt this sensation before. Panic Attacks. Rehab. _Everything_. And he just didn’t want to fight it anymore. Didn’t want to _do_ it anymore. When was he going to feel better?

His thoughts swam as his hand hit the bed he lay on. He really wasn’t focusing right and he felt like just going to sleep. Which was better than the fear and unpleasantness of everything going on. He thought of only one thing: _don’t let me die_.

His vitals spiked, and the morphine did the opposite of what Bones wanted. And Kirk’s respiratory rate was _alarming_. Bones knew what he needed to do. Kirk wasn’t going to like it.

“Get me 1mg lorazepam and a ventilator. And don’t even start on me that morphine doesn’t do well with ativan. He’s fucking breathing at 40 a minute,” Bones cursed at the nurse, who hadn’t even begun to object to the medication order. “Jim,” Bones turned his focused attention back on his patient. “I’m going to put you under and intubate you. Your body needs time to fight without the extra work of-“

Kirk blinked, his mind trying to focus on what Bones was telling him. _Bones, just… just…_ “Don’t – let – me - die,” he whispered, interrupting his doctor’s spew about _something_.

“I’m not going to. You’ve come too far to check out on me now,” Bones muttered, his hands already prepping to intubate his patient, the nurse delivering the sedative as ordered.

Kirk’s eyes fluttered shut and Bones prayed to whoever was out therethat _Kirk better make it out of this alive. The bastard isn’t going down because of an infection_. At least, that was what Bones tried to tell himself as he intubated his friend for a second time in less than _a year._

And of course, Kirk just had to flat line in the mess of it all.

It was going to be a _long_ night.

~~~~~

Three days and nothing had changed. Spock was constantly on the outside looking in, watching as nurses and Dr. McCoy worked furiously to combat the already-proving _deadly_ infection running the show in Jim's body. He had flat lined twice, and had not managed one word or even one movement since being intubated. No visitors were allowed - not even Spock. Two nurses were always in the room, both cleared of illness and wearing germ resistant covers. Jim had no capabilities to fight any bacteria – he couldn’t fight _anything_. Sterility was key. He was getting antibiotics around the clock and immune boosters and nutrition. But he still was showing no signs of improvement.

Dr. McCoy saw Spock at the window, told his nurses to keep a careful watch on Jim's temperature, and he would be right back. He stepped into the air tight room for decon, waited a minute for the second door to open, stripped of the gown he wore specifically for the isolation room, and exited through the final door out into the hallway.

Spock, with his hands clasped behind his back, turned as Dr. McCoy walked up sighing. "Any improvement?"

Bones shook his head. "Blasted kid has a number going on inside his body. With his steroidal, antipsychotic, and anti rejection meds, he had no defense against the invader. And I don't think he got it at the _Enterprise_. He shouldn't have gone without checking in with me first, but he's old enough to be stupid I guess. If only I could ask him questions..."

Spock raised an eyebrow. "What kinds of questions, Doctor?"

"What the fuck was he doing in Iowa? When did his symptoms start? The cultures we got back are damning enough to basically give him a death sentence. I am trying my hardest not to have him flat line again. I swear it feels like we just did this. When is he _not_ going to be in a hospital bed?”

“That I cannot answer, Doctor.”

“Thanks for the encouragement, Spock.”

Spock did not respond, glancing back at his unconscious friend in the sealed isolation room. He could do nothing to save him. He could only… hope. Kirk had come a long way since they had first met. He had come a long way since reviving from death. If an infection ended him, it would be… a tragedy. He still had a long way to go if he pulled through.

A nurse inside the room tapped on the glass, pointing at McCoy, and then at the vitals recording. McCoy groaned, muttering, “If he flat lines for the third time…” He shook his head and stepped back into the first room to gown up.

The half-Vulcan, half-Human gave one last look at his sick friend, and turned to attend to his duties for the day. Unfortunately, the Council was meeting. And those meetings _never_ went well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing is finished. I shall update one chapter a day. :D (even though I might be nice a day or two because I except this to be posted before I head to campmeeting - where there is no internet)
> 
> In the mean time: there will be a sequel - YAY!! I also have decided to just use this as my precursor into their five year mission, which basically is what the sequel will touch on, and I have a full length idea planned and two smaller one-shots in my head - needless to say, the series might just be my dumping ground for post-STID whatever. lol.
> 
> Thank you for the kudos, comments, and hits. Thank you for reading so far. I know I'm not really great at the characterization - I've never been more terrified of writing a character wrong then when I got into the Star Trek fandom and basically went "um..." on both Kirk AND Spock. And that's only happened to me once before - with Sherlock. Anyway, thank you all so much!


	10. Chapter 10

“Sir, I do not believe that would be wise.”

Five Admirals, two Starfleet Command high officers, Spock himself as acting Captain of the _Enterprise_ , and two Cadets from the Academy, along with Professor Wimbold, all sat around the conference table, talking about the one, the only: James Tiberius Kirk.

“I realize you have a rather _fond_ attraction with Mr. Kirk, Captain Spock, but he is rather irresponsible-“

“Jim has worked very hard to overcome the obstacles placed before him, both unintentionally _and intentionally._ He is fighting for his life right now, and choosing to terminate his chances of regaining his position as Captain is not a wise decision.”

Two Admirals, Admiral Barnett and Admiral Parker, gave each other frustrated looks.

Admiral Komack spoke up. “He went to the _Enterprise_ without authorization and managed to gain a life threatening infection-“

“Dr. McCoy has explained to me, if _not all ready to you_ , that the combination of medications Jim is on weakened his immune system and he held no chance of fending off the organism that attacked him. Blaming him for that fact is a battle you will not win.”

“He has missed three days of class as of today.”

Professor Wimbold spoke up. “Mr. Kirk has always been bright with his study work. He was while he was a Cadet two years ago and to this day continues to show excellent dedication to his work.”

Admiral Barnett cleared his throat. “Professor Wimbold, did Mr. Kirk do ‘excellent’ on his simulation?”

Professor Wimbold looked the Admiral in the eye. “Mr. Kirk was forced into a simulation, one that was _not_ of my choosing, that was similar to his actions during the John Harrison incident. Mr. Kirk had a panic attack and was excused.”

“So he did not get final marks for the simulation?”

“I gave him a satisfactory mark.”

“Which does not equal ‘excellent’, wouldn’t you agree, Professor Wimbold?”

“Excuse me,” Spock spoke up. “Council, did you put Mr. Kirk through a simulation similar to his experience that _lead_ to this whole issue occurring?” He was just _now_ learning about this incident. If it was true, Spock was about to _honestly show his true human side_.

Barnett looked at Parker, whispering, “Why is Captain Spock here again?”

“Council, _did you or did you not put Mr. Kirk through a simulation similar to his experience on the_ Enterprise, _the same experience that resulted in his death?_ ” Spock’s voice may or may not have raised an octave.

“We cannot-“

Professor Wimbold interrupted the Admiral. “Yes, Captain Spock, they did force Mr. Kirk into a simulation similar to his experience on the _Enterprise_.”

“Professor Wimbold, you are excused.”

The Professor held his head high as he stood. His lips were in a tight line as he exited through the double doors behind him.

“Council-“

“Captain Spock, I am weary of your presence here. If you cannot control yourself, you will be excused.”

“If you decide to terminate his chances, I will see it as my duty to resign from my position as First Officer, and acting Captain, and convince the whole crew, who are being trained _right now_ to go on a five year mission, to do the same with me. And might I remind you that _they would and will do it_ because of their loyalty to Captain James Tiberius Kirk.” Spock was about done with what the Council was trying to do to Jim. And after hearing about what they had forced Jim through in his _simulation_ , the whole meeting seemed rather dubious and absolutely ridiculous. There was absolutely no reason for it, and since Jim could not _defend_ himself, it was even _worse_.

Silence. That was exactly what Spock was met with and expected to be met with.

Minutes ticked by until finally: “Captain Spock-“ Admiral Barnett started, but Spock interrupted, nonetheless.

“Captain James Tiberius Kirk gave his life for his ship and his crew. He died _alone_. He was given a second chance at life through the hands of Dr. McCoy. After months of rehab, the Council plainly told him he _wasn’t fit for command_. He was doing his best to show to you that he could be Captain up until, I assume, his simulation, which you forced him to relive his experience that lead to his death. He went to the _Enterprise_ , I assume again, to look for answers. He came back and fell ill. He is, I will state _again_ , fighting for his life. Making a decision on his future _now_ is highly unwise and I will not sit and listen to you destroy it.”

The Admirals in the room gave each other looks, mentally formulating an answer as Spock stood, ready to leave behind the _atrocity_ that called themselves _the Council_ in Starfleet Command.

Spock was at the door before a familiar voice answered. “At this time, the Council has decided to put off any official word on Mr. Kirk’s fate. Once he is well enough to defend himself, the Council will reconvene. Everyone is dismissed.”

Not uttering a word in response, Spock let through the double doors, a familiar, possibly unwise, emotion welling up in his chest. _Anger_.

~~~~

“THEY WHAT?!!!” Dr. Leonard McCoy was standing in his door way to his apartment, acting Captain Spock standing just outside it in the hallway.

“The Council forced Mr. Kirk’s simulation in his command class to be almost exactly like his experience on the _Enterprise_ , the situation leading to his choice to save his crew by _realigning the warp core_. Except Mr. Kirk never got that far. He had a panic attack before that decision showed up. I have the whole transcript here.”

Spock held it out for McCoy to see. McCoy yanked the folder out of Spock’s hand, opened it, began reading, and turned back into his apartment, not caring if Spock followed. Spock did follow.

“’Captain Kirk is making similar decisions to the ones told by the crew of the _Enterprise_ during the John Harrison incident.’

“’Captain Kirk orders the prisoner to sickbay, and stalls.’

“’Mr. Kirk is seen visibly shaking and unresponsive to the comments of his crew – aka his classmates. It is determined Mr. Kirk is experiencing a panic attack after further analysis, and is excused from his command in the simulation. Mr. Kirk promptly exits the simulation room. End notation.’

“OH MY GOD. JIM NEVER SAID ANYTHING. HE NEVER TOLD ME ONE WORD ABOUT HIS SIMULATION. AND THEY FUCKING SHOVED THIS SIMULATION AT HIM, KNOWING FULL WELL IT WOULD DO THIS TO HIM!”

“It seems Jim went to Riverside to collect his thoughts.”

McCoy set the folder down, realization dawning on his face. “He was worried he wouldn’t see her again.”

“And now-“

“And now those sonsofabitches are trying to ruin his life while he’s barely got one. His infection is just rampaging on. Well, fuck them. I will do EVERYTHING to see Jim back on board the _Enterprise_ , and he had better fucking be in that Captain’s chair. Fuck this shit they are trying to pull on him. I don’t care if they didn’t like his actions during the fucking Khan incident. He _died_. They are ruining my calm.”

Spock would have mentioned that Dr. McCoy’s calm was already ruined, but decided not to try to point out that fact. He knew when to mention the Doctor’s calm, or lack thereof, and knew this was obviously not the time.

“The Council has decided, on fear of some recent threats, to postpone deciding what to do with Jim. It seems that the simulation was not the first act in attempting to bring him down.”

McCoy’s eyebrows were raised. “Threats? Ohmagod, Spock, did you do something highly un-Vulcan?”

Spock just looked away, unresponsive.

McCoy grinned from ear to ear. “You are one sly bastard, Spock. I bet they thought they were about to be run into the ground.”

“I may have persuaded them to rethink their strategy as the crew of the _Enterprise_ is notably loyal to Captain Kirk and would _leave permanently_ if said Captain was not back on the _Enterprise_ for its five year mission.”

McCoy’s jaw dropped. “You threatened them with the new program _falling through_. Oh my GOD, SPOCK. YOU ARE A GENIUS!!!”

The acting Captain looked uninterested. “It had nothing to do with the intellectual, Dr. McCoy. I only used what they needed against them. We did the same with the torpedoes.”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Oh Spock. You know-“ He didn’t get any further as his communicator chirped.

He reached for it, answering. “Dr. McCoy here.”

“ _One of the nurses desires your presence with Mr. Kirk, Doctor. It’s about his latest lab results._ ”

McCoy groaned. If it wasn’t Jim flat lining, it was his vitals. If it wasn’t his vitals, it was his labs. Basically: Jim was on the verge of dying for _real_ for the _second_ time. And McCoy wasn’t about to let that happen.

“I am on my way.” He closed the communicator and set off to find his bag.

“I see you will be heading back to the hospital. I will be there in the morning before training begins. Should you need me, you can contact me, Doctor,” Spock offered, picking up the folder of Jim’s simulation.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Okay,” McCoy muttered back, waving Spock out. His mind was occupied in another place. Spock understood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually feel this is the best and worst two scenes of this fanfic - mostly because Spock would do it, but also because he wouldn't. And loyalties really shifted in Star Trek Into Darkness, and Spock really goes off the deep end with Khan, so honestly, him threatening just about anything against Command sounds like a prime example of loyalties having shifted. Not that Spock isn't a stickler for the rules - he will always be that. But he is half-human, and he has been tapping into that side of his form a little more recently. 
> 
> Needless to say: ugh, I feel like I ruin the character, but at the same time, no... *go figure*


	11. Chapter 11

_Dr. McCoy, the antibiotics-_

_They’re working?!!! FINALLY!_

_We still have a long way to go._

_Spock, he’s going to be okay._

_He’s going to be_ fine.

~~~~~

Eight days after initial diagnosis, Kirk was extubated, his breathing normal and his vitals normalizing. Cultures started coming back negative and the antibiotics were slowly decreased. The immune boosters stayed, as Dr. McCoy hoped that as Jim stabilized on all his medications, a repeat incident of infection would not occur.

It was on day nine when James Tiberius Kirk slowly opened his eyes to the world once more, his eyes landing on the sea of faces he had surrounding his bed. Spock, Bones, Uhura, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov. His crew. _His family_. The ones rooting for him.

He wanted to say hi, but when he opened his mouth, nothing came out.

"Sorry, Jim. You were extubated yesterday and your throat may be sore for a while. It's okay to rest it," Bones said matter-of-factly, a tricorder already out scanning Jim as Jim scanned the room he was in with his eyes.

The strict isolation room precautions had been removed when he had been extubated, even though Bones still made everyone gown up. Germs were still an unhealthy thing for Jim to be around, and the less exposure, the better.

"It is so good to see you back with us, Keptin." Chekov's face was bright and bubbly and the boy was as bouncy as ever before. If only Jim could have returned the expression. Maybe one day soon.

"You were out nine days. It’s really good to know you’re okay," Uhura spoke up, trying to ease any confusion Jim may have had, even though he couldn't express it. It just felt good to be alive, and awake.

"You scared the fuck out of us, Jim. But the antibiotics got working at one point. You had a massive infection. Regardless, you should make an excellent recovery," Bones piped in, his eyes now on Jim's vitals.

"We miss you in training, and with the restoring of the _Enterprise_. Go kick ass in your command class and get back to us ASAP," Scotty threw in, smiling.

And boy did Jim want to come back so badly.

Speaking of class... Jim gave a perplexed expression, his eyes on Spock's face. If anyone knew his fate, it would be Spock. He had been out for nine days. He had missed seven days of class already, and he was bound to miss more. Which didn't bode well for him.

"Professor Wimbold is willing to accommodate you accordingly once you feel up to schoolwork. Your simulation is done, so the biggest chunk of the class for you is over," Spock reassured, smiling conversely at his friend. And when the time came, they were going to have to discuss the simulation. And the Council. Something told Spock that Jim didn't know the Council had put him into that simulation on purpose.

Jim smiled. His eyes felt heavy, but he wanted to fight it, stay awake, and never stop looking at his crew. He had missed them dearly. In his coma state this time, he had dreamed of adventures for their five year mission. And thinking back on it now made his heart hurt. He wanted to be with them. He had to be. Space was his life now. No one could take that from him.

"Okay, everyone. My patient needs some rest. Everyone can come back separately when time allows," Bones ordered, shooing most everyone from the room.

Everyone waved good bye, promises of return hanging in the air as the only two left in the room besides Jim were Bones and Spock.

Jim closed his eyes, feeling exhausted. Not being able to talk was no fun.

"Get some sleep, Jim. We will both be here when you wake up," Bones ordered, his voice already sounding far away in Jim's ears as he drifted into sleep. Being sick and then getting well again was more than just exhausting – it was just about _deadly_.


	12. Chapter 12

Dr. McCoy fretted over his patient, even when Jim wasn’t looking. Or well, when Jim was sleeping. On the mend meant every test on the planet, coupled with horrible hospital food, absolutely no interaction outside of the hospital room, and lack of _entertainment._

Jim was bored.

Again.

But, as it was, he didn’t have to stay bored. Of course, beyond the sleeping all the time and having pills either shoved down his throat (almost literally. Bones was so _freaking paranoid_ of Jim choking, he was taking his horse sized potassium pills in applesauce. The rest of his pills he was allowed to take with water. And then of course his IV medications, which he lazily watched filter into him. And the _hypos_ ), Jim was faring a lot better than he had expected. 

The day after Kirk woke up, Bones was doing a complete physical assessment on his patient, as Jim made smartass comments on _everything_ Bones did to him or asked him to do (Bones just rolled his eyes. Oh, yeah, Jim was back all right. Still sick, but still fucking with it, seeing as he wouldn’t shut up about the _applesauce_ ), when the door to the room opened.

Seeing who it was, Bones just kept on with his assessment. Jim though had other plans and _literally_ grabbed his friend’s hand and yanked, hard. “Bones,” he managed to whine, while Leonard’s face basically broke out into the worst grinning facial expression Jim had _ever_ seen. Jim really didn’t want to see _them_. At least not while he was _in a fucking hospital gown, oh god_.

“You needed some visitors. I just hit the right button with your partner,” Bones muttered as Jim’s whole fucking Command class, all _17 of them_ , filed into his hospital room.

“I am going to murder you, and it is going to be painful!” Jim hissed back, gulping. He had missed a total of eight days so far, and was bound to miss more, and while he hadn’t let down his _ridiculous_ partner, he really didn’t care to socialize with _the younger generation_ in the fact he was basically missing out on the shit they were taking in simulation. And holy crud, he was 27 for goodness sakes. They were like, fucking teenagers or something.

“It’s so good to see you, Mr. Kirk,” one of the girls ( _I don’t remember her name, crap!_ ) said, her face blushing ( _I look like death, fucking hell, BONES! This is not the reaction I want)_.

“When we heard you had fallen ill, we all kind of… freaked out. Especially after your simulation. Professor Wimbold didn’t tell us much, other then it wasn’t an appropriate simulation and no one was going to have their grades affected by it,” Jim’s partner, Richard, mentioned, his face _(was that a frown, or a smile, or fuck, what emotion is that?!!_ ) indecipherable by Jim’s standards.

Jim just smiled. He quickly glanced at Bones, who was now busy looking at vitals and his tricorder readings, even though Jim was 110% sure he saw a dark cloud descend over Bones’ look, and mood, and the boy figured he was going to have to bring it up. After his guests left. In like, five _seconds_.

“Well, it’s nice that you, um, came by. Familiar faces are always a treat when you’re stuck in the hospital.”

“We tried to come by earlier this week, but no visitors were allowed in,” a boy answered, one Jim might have also forgotten the name of. If anything, Jim remembered like, three of his classmates names, and those three were like, the only three he would let on his ship once he was Captain again.

“Bones – I mean, _Dr. McCoy_ – filled me in because I was kind of out of it. It probably wouldn’t have been any fun.”

“He was very ill. As he still is, so I think I’m going to also cut this visit short, as Mr. Kirk has some healing to do. You all are allowed to come back separately or in small groups as desired until Mr. Kirk is discharged. He’ll be back in class before you know it.” Bones smiled at the group, who all had this look of sadness on their faces.

Jim cared less about their faces. _Oh thank GOD! THANK YOU BONES!_

A chorus of “Get well soon, Kirk!” echoed as each of the students left, nodding or saying bye as they exited.

Jim sighed, settling back in bed. _Never. Ever. Is that happening again._

“Jim, you should know right now that… that the simulation was no fault of your classmates or your professor.”

Jim managed a raised eyebrow. “Um.” His mind took over, thinking about the simulation, his panic attack, getting ill. _Wait, if it wasn’t my professor’s fault…_

“The Council… created the simulation and forced it onto Professor Wimbold to make sure you had it. They must have wanted to test you emotionally. I don’t think they cared if you made the same decisions. You should also know that the end of the simulation…”

_LIGHTBULB!_ “It would have been my exact same decision to go into the warp core,” Jim whispered, sighing. _Damn it, I should have figured something was up… that was just too close to fucking home_.

“And I know about your panic attack. I wish you had come find me.”

“You were busy. You have to keep training for the five year mission. I’m not destroying your chances of going out there into uncharted territory just because I’m grounded.”

“Your health is my focus right now, Jim.”

“Yeah, because I almost died on you, _again_.”

Bones scowled. “You are a pain in my ass, you know that, right?”

Jim managed a smile. “I’m your favorite pain in the ass, and you love me for it.”

McCoy rolled his eyes, going back to his assessment that had been ceremoniously interrupted. “And just so you know, you _will_ be Captain. And you will be back on the Enterprise for our five year mission. I will kill Council if they deny you that right. Plus, you should know Spock deliberately threatened resignation of the whole crew while you were in a coma this time.”

Jim almost choked on his own saliva. “ _What? Spock?!!_ ”

Bones almost laughed, but caught himself. “Yeah, they were trying to ax your chances of gaining back your captaincy, and Spock threw a fit, so to speak. The Council has decided to drag you before them in a few days, I’m _sure_ , to sort it all out.”

“What, all because I missed a few days of class and oh, _tried dying again_?”

“Yeah, when you put it that way-“

“They are heartless bastards, and we have never been friends. And you wonder why I break the rules so much.”

Bones smirked. “Ah, yes, you are definitely back to your _normal_ self, Jim.”

James Tiberius Kirk gave his best friend a smug smile. _Oh, I’m normal all right…_

~~~~~

“Bones, I can eat perfectly well.”

“Pick up the spoon and _show_ me,” the doctor growled. He was becoming increasingly frustrated with his patient, who was basically ignoring everything the doctor wished done _before_ Jim was discharged.

“Oh my god. You did this before, when I was in rehab. _Bones_ , I am FINE. I’ve been eating every day, at every meal time. I walk around. I take my medications. _Come on!_ ”

Bones sighed. “And you tell me you actually care about your health.”

“Oh come on. I don’t really want to miss class today. I’ve been working on my assignments and-“

Bones held up a hand, interrupting Jim’s rant. “You and homework? Actually _doing it?_ ”

Jim scowled. “Oh shut up. I did my work when we were Cadets. Just because it’s freaking easy-“

“EASY. HA! Okay, ya know what, walk to the door and back, grab your massive bag worth of pills that you better take and not forget about – I added potassium and you still have some oral antibiotics and I won’t give you any pain medication orally, only by hypo, so if you ever need it come find me, and-“

“Bones,” Jim whined, giving his friend a puppy dog look. “Just let me go to class. I know about ALL the pills I’m on. I’m glad you’re worried, and if you ever need to worry some more, just hit up my apartment. I’m right across the hall.” He stood, stretching.

Bones pointed at the bag as Jim rolled his eyes. Jim grabbed the bag of _everything under the sun in medications_ , slipped on his shoes, and promptly _skipped_ to the door. “See?”

“Get out of here and if you come back, I will _make sure you are in pain_!”

Jim pushed the door open, laughing. “What about _do no harm_ , BONES?”

And then he was gone. Out of Dr. Leonard McCoy’s sights.

“I really cannot with that boy… I cannot…”


	13. Chapter 13

“With a majority of the simulations finished and two more unlucky souls left to show their worth in this class before the final paper test and a small test called the Kobayashi Maru, I would like you all to get out your PADD’s – it’s pop quiz time,” Professor Wimbold leaned up against his desk at the front of the auditorium, seventeen of his eighteen students groaning.

For what a miracle it was, he had lost _no_ students that semester. Except maybe the fatal but mysterious upkeep of one certain de-ranked graduate by the name of James Tiberius Kirk. Even though he hadn’t exactly lost, he had-

“No way!”

Professor Wimbold’s eyes followed three of his students’ rather loud shouts towards the object of their shouts as a rather cocky smile returned his own surprised gaze from the open door into the classroom. Granted, Wimbold was a hard ass in class, but for as much as the council was hounding on his ass and giving him orders he cared little about, and as much as they were trying to tear Jim Kirk down, well – _it was a relief to see said student back in class_.

“Everyone, take your seats,” Wimbold recovered as fast as he was surprised. “That includes you, Mr. Kirk. We will talk after class. _PADDs, now, pop quiz. I won’t say it again!_ ”

Without even a word, Kirk was back in his regular seat, while the rest of his classmates still murmured, most breaking out into crazy, _adorable_ smiles because _fuck, the smartest guy in class was back_ , and boy, had they missed him _._

~~~~

“Honestly, I’m not entirely sure why they are making you retake this class – in all honesty, you’ve changed, and I’m pretty sure it’s way better than this half assed excuse for a command class.”

“Maybe I’ll learn something new.”

“Kirk, the semester is almost over.”

Laughing, Kirk managed to add, “True!” before exiting Professor Wimbold’s office into the nearby hallway.

What he wasn’t expecting was _people_. A _crowd_.

Familiar faces. New faces. Odd faces. Faces of his class, his crew, and his friends. People he didn’t know. They spanned the whole hallway, and Kirk was pretty sure they spanned all the way out onto the grass.

“What-“

Bones, of all people, parted the red sea and walked up to his best friend. “So, I might have invited like _everyone_ to this massive ‘welcome back to the fucking living’ party, but then I realized you really wouldn’t want that. And since you can’t drink, no one else is allowed to drink. But take a good look, Jim. Because in a few weeks, this will all be yours. Okay, so, granted, some of your classmates haven’t officially been given titles and stuff, but they’ve been recruited to _the Enterprise_ upon graduation, and seeing as it will be your ship soon, I wanted you to take a good long, hard look at each face. Because they will be under your command in _no_ time. And you will be amazing, because you’ve done it before, and you’ll keep being a fucking badass Captain.”

Kirk’s jaw _literally dropped_. Of course, all that time spent in rehab, Kirk had agonized over the fact half of his crew had _perished_ in his faulty thinking and his epic mistakes, and replacing them would be a bitch no one would want to do, but _his command crew_ , the ones always by his side, always sneaking him food and caffeine and sometimes small amounts of alcohol, the ones always fighting for his spot on the Enterprise, they had filled every spot on his ship. And he had a full, working ship to go back to.

“I can’t, I don’t – I have no idea what to say.” His eyes darted from one face to the next, passing by Spock, Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Sulu, his class partner Richard, various other classmates, faces he had seen before but couldn’t remember their names, various species and genders and non-genders, and it was just – it was a lot to take in.

“Say you won’t give up.”

“That I was never going to do.”

“Good, because for a second there, I totally thought you were going to – ya know, last week and all.”

“Fuck you, Bones. Fuck you!”  

~~~~

The party that Bones had rounded up in no matter of time had been, well, a _wild_ success in that even though there had been no alcohol, Jim had quite literally gotten to interact with _girls_.

Now, as people dissipated to get some sleep before duties and simulations the next day, Jim sat at the bar, lazily watching his finger make circles around his water glass. Honestly, he had loved just not having to think about class, or his predicament, or a hospital, and he got to chat with new and old friends.

“You look happy,” Uhura noted, sitting down beside her friend. She had milled about, Spock closely following behind. As the gathering had died down, Spock had quietly kissed his girlfriend and sought solitude for a few hours. That gave Uhura time to waste. And she hadn’t had a good heart-to-heart with Jim Kirk in a _long_ time.

Jim smiled. “I think I might be. I’m not Captain yet, but it’s amazing to know people aren’t giving up on me.”

Uhura patted his back. “No one could give up on you.”

“That’s a positive. Hey, wanna talk back at my apartment? If I tell Bones I have a headache, he is going to kill me.”

“You did pass out on me two weeks ago.”

“I apologized for that, right?” Jim was giving her a pleading look, seeing Bones talking to another medical student, who was about to join the enterprise for research, nearby.

“Yeah, okay. Come on,” she laughed, getting up from her seat. He proceeded to do the same thing, and they both headed back to his apartment.

~~~~

“The crew is going to be so hyped on launch day. Five years in space. Uncharted space. It’s going to be _wild_ ,” Jim rambled on as he punched in his code, allowing Uhura and him to get into his apartment without setting off any alarms. Of course, if he had really wanted to hack his _own_ living quarters, he would have done it already. Months ago, while bored out of his mind in rehab. (Okay, secretly, he had hacked his apartment. He had hacked _everything_.)

“Your love for space is crazy, and infectious, Jim. Anyone under your command _has_ to love space, or they would lose it after like a week on the _Enterprise_ ,” Uhura commented, impressed at his genuine love for space.

He laughed as the door slid open. “Except Bones. Bones hates space, and I’m amazed how calm he’s staying these days, considering he literally is _training_ to go into space for _five years_. I’m really amazed he hasn’t had a crying fit yet. He hasn’t ranted to me in a while.”

“I think he’s been preoccupied,” Uhura said, following Jim into his living room.

“Hmm, come to think of it, he probably has been.”

She rolled her eyes, set her bag down beside the couch, and took a seat as Jim told the lights to turn on and asked Uhura if she wanted anything to drink.

“I’m good.”

Having had plenty of water recently, Jim wasn’t in the mood for anything himself. So he loitered in his kitchen, Uhura watching him like a hawk.

“Okay, really, James. You wanted to talk. Sit.”

Knowing he was caught, he kicked off his shoes through his open bedroom door, and found residence across from Uhura on the couch.

Kirk curled up opposite Uhura, sighing. “I made a lot of mistakes.”

“I thought you performed admirably.”

Kirk’s fake laugh made Uhura internally wince. “Oh, yeah, getting half my crew _killed_ , my ship docked for months, and, oh, did I mention I gave everyone a fucking heart attack because _I should be dead right now_?” It had never, ever escaped Kirk’s notice that he shouldn’t have been living right then. It was on his thoughts constantly. It was a curse.

Uhura, momentarily forgetting who she was with, scooted over and placed her hands on Kirk’s cheeks, holding his face in her hands. “You gave your life for us. You risked everything because you don’t believe in no-win scenarios. Stop thinking about mistakes you have no control over anymore. As your friend, I will tell you right now I would rather have you sitting in front of me then buried in the ground. You didn’t ask us how we felt. And I think there was a collective sigh of _relief_ because McCoy was brilliant, and Spock was on a rampage, and _you’re alive now_ because of their collective efforts to _save you_. That is what matters. _The Enterprise_ is almost fixed – that was easy. San Francisco is healing. You have to keep living life because you’ve been given a second chance. You died to save us. You died to save your dying ship. I won’t deny that you made mistakes. People did die – but you saved a lot of other people from a needless death. The whole situation was fucked up – extremely out of whack. We all went in confused, blind, and out of our depth. But you never gave up. You _don’t_ give up. Not then, not now, not ever. That’s what makes you great.”

Kirk hadn’t moved the whole time. Hadn’t said a word. He wordlessly reached up and took Uhura’s hands in his own, sighing. “It’s hard to hear reality.”

“It’s harder to accept it. But I know you. At one point it all clicks.”

He managed a smile. “I’m that predictable, huh?”

She didn’t answer. She rolled her eyes, teasing him.

He gently let go of her hands, setting her free.

“Ya know,” she whispered, folding her hands in her lap. “Spock has had a really hard time with all of this.”

“Really?”

“He’s very protective of you. I swear, every time I went looking for him, he was outside your hospital room, meditating. And we all were involved in your rehab. I think he’s… he’s emotionally compromised again.”

It hadn’t exactly occurred to Kirk that Spock would be having any trouble with his emotions as of late. But considering the emotional outburst Spock had revealed after Kirk’s death, it didn’t seem too far off. But why now? And why hadn’t Spock said anything?

“Should I talk to him?”

Uhura shrugged. “Spock is a funny creature, Jim. Even I can’t figure him out. I’d say give it a little bit. He may break out of his shell at one point.”

Kirk nodded. “He’s so conflicted sometimes.”

“Do you ever wonder about our alternate selves? I mean, Spock at least can interact with his. The rest of us – well, Spock is half Vulcan. He will outlive most of us. Most of our alternate selves are-“

“Dead. I asked Prime Spock once about myself. He wouldn’t tell me anything, but I got the impression our friendship was… the best thing that had ever happened to him.”

Uhura smiled. “That’s not hard to believe.”

“Our lives changed with Nero.”

“Our lives changed with Khan.”

Kirk didn’t disagree. Everything had changed. And for the most part, it was a terrifying change.


	14. Chapter 14

Two days later, a sharply dressed Lieutenant Charlotte Shawns was at Kirk’s door shortly after his return from lecture, summoning him to a spontaneous Council meeting.

With some mild confusion, and resignation of his probable fate, Kirk switched to his dress uniform and followed the Lieutenant, who was definitely working for Admiral Barnett; there was no question about that.

The meeting hall was, funny enough, named after Admiral Marcus _before_ he had gone off the deep end (Marcus Hall. Kirk had attended at least three classes in the rather ordinary classroom while attending the academy formally). Of course, that briefing (interrogation) was done and over. Whatever the Council was itching to discuss now with the already-grounded Jim Kirk was going to hurt. Because if it went back to that damn mission, Kirk was going to walk out. Which would not look good for him.

And standing in front of said meeting hall was Spock, Bones, Professor Wimbold, and Uhura – each with their own personal attendant. Obviously this was not just a one-man interrogation.

“I’m going to guess we are all in deep trouble,” Kirk managed to say before the Lieutenant shushed him.

“I would advise you all to keep silent until asked to speak. I will be back to let you in,” she said, heading into the meeting hall alone.

Uhura rolled her eyes. “There is absolutely nothing Council can do to demean us any further. Like we haven’t been to these meetings before.”

“They can’t get off our backs, can they?” Bones muttered, eyes narrowed in silent anger. His voice betrayed him though – Kirk saw right through the mask.

Spock stayed silent, understanding of the meeting, but curious all the same. He wondered if the Council even had better things to attend to. But as San Francisco and _the Enterprise_ were slowly repaired and brought back to their usual duties – this was at the forefront of _everyone’s_ minds.

Lieutenant Shawns appeared. “You may all come in now.”   

Kirk took a deep breath, looked around at his friends standing with him, and walked into the meeting hall. _No matter what happens, I won’t let them get to me._

They filed in, one-by-one, facing the same group of individuals from previous times: Admirals, Cadets, and other Starfleet Command officers.

Admiral Barnett nodded as he said, “You may all take a seat. You may be wondering why you are here today. I would not be surprised if Captain Spock has not already told you the circumstances to which we still continue to be involved in this matter. Mr. Kirk, you are grounded, are you not?”

Kirk took a second after taking a seat to register the fact the Admiral had not even paused to formally start the meeting. _This is going to go… well_. “I’m not sure what you mean, Admiral.”

“You were stripped of your rank and commanded to go back to the Academy, Mr. Kirk.”

“And I have been attending class as usual, Admiral.”

“Except you haven’t. After your scheduled simulation in class, you skipped class and went to the Enterprise. An unauthorized visit, seeing as you were allowed to visit by your Doctor’s permission back while you were in rehab, Mr. Kirk. Can you explain why you skipped class?”

Kirk shouldn’t have had to explain his actions. He _hadn’t done anything wrong_. “As the Council should already know, my scheduled simulation was a trick to emotionally compromise me. The Council already knows I have some post-traumatic stress from the ordeal that lead to my grounding. Seeing as my simulation was unethical and uncalled for, I am curious to understand why my excursion to _my_ ship is such an issue.”

“ _The Enterprise_ is not your ship, Mr. Kirk. And your simulation was an appropriate example related to your class work. Professor Wimbold, I would like you to now explain to us why you gave Mr. Kirk satisfactory marks when he did _not_ finish his simulation.”

The Professor gave a deadpan response. “Because the simulation was unethical. I am in charge of the grades – failing Mr. Kirk on his second stint in my class would be _strange_ , considering he got high marks the first time around, _and the only test he had problems with was the Kobayashi Maru_.”

“Was it all about not wanting to fail Mr. Kirk, Professor Wimbold?”

The Professor refused to respond.

Admiral Barnett was already unhappy with how the meeting was going. “Lieutenant Uhura, please describe to the Council exactly what happened when you caught up with Mr. Kirk on the night he was hospitalized.”

She blinked, almost confused as to what this had to do with, well _, anything pertinent to this meeting_. “I was walking back to my apartment after a long day translating languages to which I was unfamiliar with, familiarizing myself for the upcoming five-year mission. I saw Kirk, and noticed he did not look well. We talked, but as we proceeded back to our apartments, he collapsed, and I called for help from Dr. McCoy.”

“And Dr. McCoy, can you describe to the Council what you found when you took charge of Mr. Kirk’s medical emergency?”

Bones would not give the Council satisfaction to blame Kirk’s infection on _the Enterprise_ or even on his continued rehab and frequent check-ups. His immune system had been adequate. At least, that’s what Bones had hoped at the time. Not to mention: they had been over this a thousand times. What more could he tell them? There _was_ no new information on this matter. “When Lieutenant Uhura brought Mr. Kirk into the Emergency Room, Mr. Kirk was unconscious and barely breathing. I did a quick scan, extracted blood, and started hypothesizing what was wrong with my patient. Twenty minutes later, Kirk came around, and I learned he was fighting an infection. One his body couldn’t fight.”

“And why could Mr. Kirk’s body not fight the infection, Dr. McCoy?”

Holding back his already angered emotions, Bones almost didn’t continue. _Because that fucking Tribble died and Kirk almost died on me again._ But he wouldn’t let that information slip, not now, not ever. “His immune system had faults. It could be taxed easily – and the infection he had contracted was too immense for his system to fight on its own. It shut down his nerves and attacked his respiratory system. I had no choice but to sedate and intubate my patient to give his body a rest from the infection. I pumped every antibiotic I could into my patient, and waited.”

“And where do you think this infection came from, Dr. McCoy?”

“ _Not_ _the Enterprise_ , as I believe I have told you already a few hundred times. From a report Mr. Kirk gave me once he woke up from his medically-induced coma, he told me his symptoms started _before_ heading to _the Enterprise._ As for where it came from, I couldn’t tell you. There will always be a mystery to medicine – that’s part of it.”

Admiral Parker cleared his throat. “Mr. Kirk, why did you go to _the Enterprise_ unauthorized?”

_Why did I go? Because you want to take her away from me?_ “I went because I-“ he paused. Taking a deep breath, he started again. “I went because I needed to.”

“Please explain, Mr. Kirk.”

Already frustrated with the line of questioning being forced on him, Kirk managed to stand his ground. “Personal reasons. One reason would be because _the Enterprise_ has been my home for over a year. Space is my home. Taking that away from me just started the pendulum swinging. Of course, forcing me into that cruel simulation was the last straw. As most of you know, I suffered an almost fatal amount of radiation poisoning. I had to come to terms with my direction in Starfleet by returning to the place I almost died. So I went when I was emotionally vulnerable. I told no one because it was my journey to take alone _. The Enterprise_ , when in space, is my home. Space is my life.”

“So you skipped class, and then came back to almost succumb to an infection that you may have contracted while in Iowa?”

“He did not contract his infection in Iowa, Admiral,” Bones interrupted, ignoring the fact he was speaking out of turn.

“Mr. Spock, if Mr. Kirk was not to return to his post as Captain of the Enterprise, do you feel you would be able to attend to the duties required and find a presentable First Officer?” Admiral Barnett questioned, hitting a chord with every crew member in attendance.

“Excuse me, Admiral-“ Uhura started, aghast at the idea they would even retract Kirk’s chances of being reinstated as Captain at this late in the semester.

“Please do not interrupt, Lieutenant. Mr. Spock?”

The half-vulcan, half-human individual showed absolutely no emotion as he calmly responded. “As recently discussed, Admiral, I would not hesitate to resign if you retracted any chance of the Captain’s reinstation before he has had a chance to show his worth.”

“We realize you are close with Mr. Kirk, Mr. Spock, but you must understand, we cannot have-“

“Shut up.” Professor Wimbold was on his feet, hands balled into fists. “I won’t have it with your bureaucracy shit anymore. You _will_ give Mr. Kirk the chance to show his worth. He _will_ take the test to show he is intellectually, emotionally, and physically ready to be Captain of _the Enterprise._ You can battle everything he does from now until the sun dies out – it will not change the fact you have placed obstacles in Mr. Kirk’s path that he will determinedly and strategically overcome every single time because that is exactly the kind of individual who deserves to be Captain.” And Professor Wimbold was gone.

Spock, someone who was not one to _piss off_ High Command, was next to rise to his feet. “I understand very well exactly where I stand, and where you stand. That will not change one thing about my own threats to dismantle your new program. Live Long and Prosper.” And without another word, the lingering _threat_ and the lingering _fuck you_ still hanging in the air, Spock walked out behind Professor Wimbold.

The Council, still mentally scrambling, ordered everyone out, but not to leave.

Once outside, Kirk found he was about to slam a fist into the concrete wall, but stopped short when he realized Bones was right beside him, furiously mad. And Bones would not have done well with repairing Kirk’s broken hand.

“They are fucking idiots. They don’t listen to anything anyone says. How on earth they expect to actually get anywhere with this – this _idiotic_ situation, I will never know!”  

Kirk shrugged. “You got me.”

“Honestly, trying to poke holes in your visit to _the Enterprise_ – how much more childish could they get?” Uhura added to the conversation, glancing around as she saw Spock had really walked off. She would find him later. She could tell he was having a hard time controlling his emotions.

One of the special Cadets on the Council had peeked their head out from inside the meeting hall, calling, “Mr. Kirk, would you please come before the Council?”

“Jim – don’t say anything. They are going to –“

“I echo Dr. McCoy, Jim.”

Kirk gave his two friends a pleading look, but nodded as he turned, heading back into the meeting hall to face whatever the Council decided to do with him. The threats from the very beginning of this hellish journey echoing in his mind as he stood before the demeaning Council.

_You either take the deal Starfleet is handing you, or you resign your post forcefully and get put on desk duty somewhere in the basement of the medical wing sifting through paper files of deceased individuals while your friends are on their five year mission._

_You are not fit for duty mentally, Mr. Kirk._

_We’ve taken her away._ The Enterprise _is no longer yours. You are going back to the Academy..._

_I believe in you_.

And it clicked.

“Mr. Kirk –“

“No. No, I won’t let you steal my chance to still Captain _the Enterprise_. My _friends_ are on that ship. That ship is _my life_. I’m sorry if I do not fit your ideal picture of a Captain. Admiral Christopher Pike gave me his ship for reasons you may not understand, but in his memory, I will do everything I can to be what he saw in me. He believed in me, and I’m not going to let him down. I will finish the class, take the test – prove I _can_ still perform the duties of Captain. But if you ax my chances now you will have missed an opportunity to honor Admiral Pike’s memory, ruined my chances to prove myself, and incurred the wrath of every. Single. One. Of. My. Crew. And I know how much you desire this new program to launch without a hitch.”

The Council looked around at each other, confused as to how to proceed further.

With a sigh, Admiral Barnett finally spoke. “Putting it that way – Mr. Kirk, you have a way with influencing people that I am sure you don’t even know you have the talent for. We will drop this discussion. You will finish the class and take the test. We will still stand by the fact that if you do not pass, we will not see you suitable as Captain, and you will be grounded. But if you pass, you will be reinstated as Captain of _the Enterprise_. You are free to leave now.”

Kirk nodded and quietly left. Once outside, he found Uhura and Bones still waiting for him.

“So?” Uhura looked about ready to march into the meeting hall behind him and punch every last Council member. Bones just looked worried.

Kirk managed a smirk. “I got this.”

_I think_.

~~~~

_He blinked as voices around him spoke._

_“_ _Well, let's play this out logically then, Mr. Spock. Firstly, I will kill your captain to demonstrate my resolve. Then, if yours holds, I will have no choice but to kill you and your entire crew.”_

_He couldn’t pin-point the voices, but the words… they were familiar. It made him edgy. They were threatening, demeaning words… words he felt impacted him… but he just had nothing concrete on them._

_“_ _Don't pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull, and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. Solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait till you're sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles. See if you're still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding! Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.”_

_He smirked._ Bones would.

_And then he saw him._ Spock.

_“The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one's crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”_

_He knew this already. He had already… he had learned that lesson. Right?_

_“Because you are my friend.”_

_Pain. All he could feel was pain. He winced, trying to breathe. He couldn’t._

_“You are worthless to me.”_

_“Fuck off. You aren’t my father.”_

_“YOUR FATHER IS DEAD.”_

_And boy had his stepfather been right._

_Truth hurt._

_“Captain.”_

_Fuck. Was he captain? Did he want to be Captain?_

_“Yes,” Kirk whispered. “Yes, I DO want to be Captain. My crew, my_ ship _, space is my life. I want to be Captain. So badly.”_

_More pain. More hurt. More memories, skirting past as Jim Kirk tried to reach for the nothingness around him. “Help.”_

_“Jim.”_

_That voice…_

_“It’s okay.”_

_And Kirk couldn’t help but choke out a sob. “Come back to me.”_

_“You are going to do great. I believe in you.”_

_And that damn wall – that piece of glass and an ever present Spock behind it – was back._

_But this time, Kirk was screaming, pounding on the glass. “NO, NO, THAT’S MY SPOT. I DID IT. I DIED. I DID IT FOR YOU, SPOCK. I… I gave everything for you.”_

_And Spock just gave a weakened smile, his hand slipping, eyes wilting in death._

_And Kirk broke._

Everything – from his clothes to his sheets to his head - was drenched in sweat as Kirk awoke, body shaking from the fear, from the crying. He gasped, trying to fight back the oncoming nausea.

_That was bad_.

He stayed where he was for a while, letting his body calm down. He had had plenty of nightmares before. Panic attacks. Fear. But not like that before. That had been a new kind of fresh hell.

And considering the council meeting that afternoon, the nightmare and the reaction seemed oddly adequate.

He tolerated the fact he felt rather insecure and frightened of his future. The fact he had done so much, but failed in so many ways. The fact he would die again for his ship, for his crew, for _Spock_ all over again. The fact he was constantly fighting for _acceptance_.

_I would do it all again if it meant saving everyone._

And for the first time, he didn’t regret it. He didn’t regret _any_ of it.

_Regardless of how I do on that test, I did the brave thing. I… I gave it all._

Everyone on his crew was worth it. And that made all the difference.


	15. Chapter 15

Finals were over, and now the only thing between training for a five year mission and space itself was a test Kirk wasn’t too sure about. But he was studying. And preparing himself mentally.

With some help from his friends.

Bones shoved a book over on the coffee table, sitting down in front of his best friend as he scribbled on a rather old looking notebook. _We still have 21 st century stuff? Paper went out SO long ago!_

“Jim, you need a break.”

“No, I don’t. If I stop, I won’t be studying, and if I’m not studying, I’m going to fail. And failure is not an option.” He kept on scribbling, eyes following the pen. He had deserted the PADD a long time ago after it made his head hurt. His eyes couldn’t stand the screen any longer. He hadn’t told Bones, of course. Anything dealing with his health was sacred – and seeing as Kirk really didn’t need to worry his friend, even if he was his doctor, any longer with this madness of a body – well, Kirk kept a lot hidden from Bones.

“It’s not a written test. It’s-“

“I KNOW WHAT IT IS!”

“You shouldn’t study the night before. You have the skills. You have the knowledge. You are emotionally stable. Come ON. You need a break, and as your doctor, I will order it if I have to.”

Kirk looked up for half a second before going back to his work, glaring his glare that sent Bones mentally scrambling across the coffee table to hide.

“You can’t USE that glare on me. That’s not FAIR!”

“Go. Away.”

“I will find Spock to force you to put that notebook down. You need a break. You need a walk. I’m not kidding. You can’t think about this the night before a test.”

“I ALWAYS crammed in school. And you never cared.”

“You were a smartass and you aced everything back then. You-“

“ _Died_. Yes, please, keep reminding me.”

Bones sighed. “What am I supposed to do with you?”

“Drug me. That is _always_ your answer.”

 _Light bulb!_ “I’ll only drug you if I have to. And I will only have to if you don’t _put down the pen and notebook and take a walk with me. Now!_ ”


	16. Chapter 16

Jim Kirk wasn’t sure if he was nervous or if it was just how his body was adjusting to the medications Bones had forcibly given him the night before. _Studying was mandatory. Bones just didn’t get it._ He just felt intensely wound up, like he had been given too much caffeine. Even when he hadn’t had any. He had hardly slept and Bones had whined the _whole_ night because Kirk was being an asshole. And he knew it. Life was shit, and all Jim needed to do now was _pass_ this damn test. Without cheating. _It better be fucking passable. The Kobayashi Maru was a no-win scenario. And my stupid classmates get to take that in the coming week. I already_ am _a Captain. This shouldn’t be too hard. I know what I’m doing_.

“Mr. James Kirk. Report.”

 _Here goes nothing_.

~~~~~

_Can we hail them?_

_Invasive maneuvers._

_Unfriendly fire._

_Shields at 6%_

_SPOCK._

_KIRK!!!!!!_

_I’m scared… because you are… my friend…_


	17. Chapter 17

Jim awoke with a pounding headache and the feeling an elephant had sat on his chest and right wrist. He moaned as he attempted to sit up, feeling worse than he had when he had woken up from a coma all those months ago. Plus, he could feel the hospital bed beneath his fingers. _Great_.

"Wow, calm down, Jim. You might feel a little woozy. You’ve been out for a few hours," Bones soothed, a tricorder already buzzing around Jim's face.

Jim blinked, lifting his right hand to his eyes. The wrist was wrapped in gauze and felt icky. And heavy. "I remember Uhura screaming. Is everyone okay?” _Crew safety first._

Bones kept fussing as he talked. "Only a few minor injuries. You suffered a burn on your wrist and inhaled some contaminants. You will be fine. Starfleet is investigating why their simulation room tried to blow up. You didn't try to cheat, did you, Jim?"

The young man smirked. "You know me too well, Bones. But no, no I didn't..." His voice trailed as he realized that the incident in the simulation room probably meant he had failed. And that meant he would never be in space, on his ship... with his crew, ever again.

"The council was convening to talk about the report of the examiner. They should be out soon. I am sure you are back in command, Jim. They would be stupid not to give you back that seat. I mean, granted, five years is long and terrifying and-"

Jim managed a choked laugh at Bones' freak out over the time length in space, but his eyes and ears were on the individual who had just walked into the hospital wing.

This specific individual walked with a straight figure and hands behind back, an official looking folder clasped between his hands as he advanced forward with an air of important news. Jim's results.

"Mr. Kirk, I am Commander Robert Ashland. I conducted and examined your test earlier today. The incident that occurred at the end was not part of the simulation, but we did take it into account when writing the report."

He gulped. "And what does the report say?"

The Commander held out the folder. "Everything witnessed, observed, any impressions made, and the final result. If you have any questions, the council will be called in."

Jim sat up, taking the folder with his good hand, feeling regret all the same. It already sounded like he had failed. Maybe he wasn't mentally ready. And since he didn't get any do over’s, he wasn't going into space ever again. _Awesome. Not._

"I will leave you in your doctor's care," Commander Ashland said, turning and leaving.

Jim sighed and set the folder down, dejected.

Bones raised an eyebrow. "Are you not going to read it??? That is your future, Jim!"

Jim leaned back against the bed, closing his eyes. "I don't want to have failed. I think... I think I failed."

His best friend rolled his eyes and snatched the folder from the table.

Jim's right hand swung out as Bones stepped back, one hand still holding the folder, the other gripping his tricorder like he didn’t want to lose it. "NO!!" Jim fought, terrified of whatever his fate had become and Bones even _knowing_.

"Jim, someone has to read it."

His patient moaned. “I just…”

“I’ll read it out loud. No surprises. And I’ll start at the beginning.”

Jim sighed. “Fine.”

Bones managed a laughed, set down the tricorder, and opened up the folder.

"'1000: Mr. James Tiberius Kirk reports to the command post outside the simulation room, dressed in the appropriate clothing. He is giving a briefing on the situation at the time of entry. His crew, consisting of Lieutenant Nyota Uhura as communications officer, Commander Spock as first officer and science officer, Lieutenant Commander Montgomery Scott as chief engineer and second officer, Ensign Pavel Chekov as navigator, Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu as third officer and helmsman, and various other individuals spread out through-out the bridge, are at the ready, in their positions, already previously informed of their roles in the simulation. Dr. Leonard McCoy is behind the scenes in the command center to monitor Mr. Kirk's vital signs through-out the simulation.

"'1004: The simulation begins with Mr. Kirk, to be referred to as the Captain through-out simulation, stepping on the bridge at the beginning of shift Alpha. Lieutenant Uhura briefs the Captain on the hostile environment of the planet they have been circling for the past 24 hours. Hails down to the planet have been ignored. First Officer Spock reports that activity seen on the ground constitutes invasive maneuvers: as the Captain determines, they are about ready to attack something. A further scan of the planet proves fruitless to find out what.

“’1005: The Captain takes the chair. All is quiet at the moment. The Captain requests a report from engineering. Report stated that all is good and working well.

“’1009: The first alert to an incoming fire fight is received by Lieutenant Sulu. The Captain orders shields. They hold when fired upon. Uhura reports they are being hailed. The captain orders it answered. The transmission is sketchy, but in English, and the Captain holds a demeanor fitting of a true Captain and handles the rough actions. Captain states that they are exploring and mean no harm. Transmission ends abruptly. The Captain tells Sulu to keep shields up, wants report from Spock. First Officer Spock says that the natives seem to have had an experience with other beings from other worlds, and that their response is in response to a bad past. The Captain asks if the planet is safe. Air quality report says it is breathable and self sustaining. The Captain desires peace, wonders if hailing them a second time would help to try to explain they aren't the same, they have come in peace. But as the Captain readies for that, more fire fight, stronger, shields struggling. The Captain orders battle stations and shields at full capacity. Captain then orders a fire back, decides that negotiating isn't going to work at that point.

“’1035: Firefight continues, damage increasing on ship. Captain decides to draw out. Hail and comm cease fire. Lieutenant Uhura does as commanded. Hail is ignored.

“’1043: Ship shields failing. Captain orders full pull out, warp into space.

“’1046: Simulation almost finished when a panel in computer starts to spark. Mr. Kirk assumes every contingency and orders helmsman controls to chair and then orders everyone off the bridge. Stat. Some confused faces as it was not a part of the true simulation. Mr. Kirk demanded everyone to leave, NOW. As the simulation room was emptied, Mr. Kirk attempted to investigate, puzzled himself, when entire panel sparks more and is thrown in a few directions. Uhura turns in time, as third to last, screaming Kirk's name. Uhura, an Ensign Farce, and Commander Spock all suffered minor cuts and abrasions. Mr. Kirk was thrown unconscious, with a burn to the right wrist visible. Dr. McCoy and command center report to real events.

"'Impressions: Mr. Kirk is thorough and advanced. He can navigate a problem, handle it well, and have a good outcome. He knows when to fight and when to leave the situation as it is. While it does seem Mr.Kirk has some deficits in regards to critical thinking, he has shown extreme courage in the face of a rather real scenario when the simulator had a meltdown and blew some shrapnel. No one was severely injured. His desire to ensure the safety of his crew is strong and his command is still adequate. Given the account of his bravery during the Khan incident, and his selflessness in most situations, I, Commander Robert Ashland, recommend James Tiberius Kirk be reinstated for duty as the Captain of the Starship _Enterprise_ , whose crew is presently being prepared for launch of the new program.'"

By the time Bones was done reading the report, Jim was having a mini meltdown of his own, his chest aching from the stress and anxiety, his breathing heavy. If anything had truly changed when he had died and been brought back to life, it had been his emotional stability. But he had been cleared sane and healthy by a psychiatrist. His reaction post trauma was normal and would ease over time. " _Oh my god,_ I went through all of that hell, and that stupid class, and I still get to keep my ship."

Bones squeezed Jim's shoulder. "You did well, Jim. You did really well. But would you mind NOT hyperventilating on me?!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I have edited this chapter, even after hours of tediously rechecking it because it was written on my ipod first, and my skills with that thing is cruddy at best. Any confuse should hopefully be resolved. Thanks for understanding :D)
> 
> *cue Star Trek theme* *pause*
> 
> NO WAIT, THERE IS STILL MORE TO COME! 
> 
> Since I am leaving Tuesday, I have... three more chapters to post. Two tomorrow (Monday), and the last one Tuesday morning. 
> 
> Sneak peek: Spock & Kirk are next chapter, and it's my FAVORITE!!!!! scene ever to have written. *happy sigh* I leave you all with that....
> 
> PS: ugh, this chapter was also very hard to write, so forgive me for any misgivings I might have committed against this amazing franchise. Star Trek has truly been an amazing part of my life the past 19 months, and I'm still learning so much. I feel rather small indeed....


	18. Chapter 18

That same evening, Bones discharged Jim from the hospital, allowing him to go back and rest in his own bed. Of course, on the orders he didn’t get into any fights and actually rested. He would have plenty of time to train and get into shape for their upcoming five year mission. _Their_ five year mission. On the _Enterprise_. It was a small miracle, honestly.

Jim still had to see a nurse every day for a week for a dressing change on his wrist and Bones was hanging over him like a cloud, but Jim didn’t care. He was back to being Captain of his ship, and that was, by far, the most important part of all.

It was Jim’s second night back in his own bed, his fingers running up and down his PADD as he researched about, of all things, the warp core he had _miraculously_ shoved back into place and happened to die for. He took it upon himself to learn everything about the beauty he was Captain of, and he had, back about 22 months ago. But of course, he hadn’t learned _everything_. Engineering to him was a foreign world, one he hadn’t known much about even as her Captain. And now he was far too interested in knowing, quite literally, everything about the _Enterprise_.

So it didn’t really surprise him when his doorbell rang and waiting for him was his First Officer, Spock. As Spock had been acting Captain while Kirk was out and fighting for said position, he had been overseeing the repairs of the _Enterprise_ , along with training and utilizing resources for the foreseeable future of their five year mission. Needless to say, Kirk hadn’t actually interacted with his First Officer, apart from the simulation, in what seemed like forever.

“Spock.”

“Captain.”

It was enough to draw a smile. _Yes, yes, definitely Captain_ , Jim thought as he gestured for Spock to enter. Spock nodded as he entered, allowing himself to still stand once inside Jim’s living room.

The Vulcan was, as usual, expressionless. “I believe congratulations are in order, Captain.”

“Apparently bravery still stands for something in Starfleet,” Jim muttered, gulping and returning back to a smile as his _first officer_ gave him a perplexed look. “It’s nothing, Spock. The madness is over. We can get back whatever regular life we had _before…_ ” _before what? Before Khan? Before Pike died? Before I saved Spock’s life? Before Nibiru? What_ before? _Before I was demoted? Before I died? Before tonight?_

“Jim.”

Jim shook his head. “Um.”

“Jim, look at me.”

The already overwhelmed Captain felt like another panic attack was coming on, but he ignored it as he gave his attention to Spock. “Yes?”

“A lot has happened lately. I do not believe we can go back to what was before any of this happened. Before Khan. Before Pike. Before Nibiru. If anything, we have both learned valuable lessons. And as a result, we are a much stronger crew. It is why they chose us for the new program. But none of us would be here without _you_. Even before you were done with rehab, I knew you would still be able to command the _Enterprise_. Much has changed. Do not let it overwhelm you.

“You asked me once how not to feel, and I failed to give you an adequate answer. Because at that moment, I too could not grasp how someone cannot feel when the world you have lived in, the people you have gotten to know and interacted with on a daily basis, are stolen from you. When you cannot physically stop something like death from occurring. I once believed my feelings for my home world and my mother would stay buried forever, and that my own death would not be a loss. But that is not the case. As part Vulcan, I understand the need for burying my emotions in most situations. But as half-human, I also understand the need to express my feelings when the time is right.

“And you must understand. I am, and shall always be, _your friend_.”

By the time Spock was finished, he was about five inches from Jim’s face, and Jim was _emotional, if not crying_ , by this point. And Spock honestly didn’t know what to do with Jim because he was trying hard to be as professional as possible, but it was almost _impossible_ when your _t’hy’la_ was an emotional wreck.

“God, Spock. Coming back to life is shit when you realize all you left behind. And now… _it’s been a fucking long ten months and you waited to tell me this_ NOW?!” Jim is trying his hardest not to cry, even though he is failing. He feels the tears that are already falling. It’s enough to be reminded of basically _everything_ that had happened to him since _well, since he could remember, which mostly were reminders of Pike and Bones and the Academy, and his death…_ , but to know Spock truly meant it when he said _friend_. It was like a too bright light bulb. One that wouldn’t turn off. Ever.

“The opportunity did not present itself, especially through-out your original hospital stay. And now that you have managed to end up in the hospital twice in the past three months, and having been threatened by the council, there really was no relevant time to remind you of something I could not be sure you remembered. Your health was more important. And the repairs of the _Enterprise_ and Command meetings and crew morale have been occupying me since –“

Jim put a hand on Spock’s shoulder. “I remember it _all,_ Spock. Every. Word. The look on your face. And on the nights you did not mind meld with me, I saw your face. But you never asked. You never brought it up until now. Which makes me think something _else_ is going on.”

Spock would not answer.

“Okay, fine. But you should have mentioned this sooner. It’s been a _really_ long ten months.”

“The opportunity did not present itself. I apologize if not bringing this up has caused you harm. I do not wish that. I _did_ _not_ wish that on you.”

“Spock.”

“ _I watched you die_.” Spock was adamant. Jim saw something in his first officer’s eyes he hadn’t seen in a long time: _fear_. “And I’m not talking about ten months ago. A few weeks ago you were barely holding onto dear life because an infection was consuming every part of your life resources. I watched you flat line. And _I could do nothing._ Dr. McCoy would not allow me in the room. No one could do anything. Medical science had to do the trick, or we would have had to _bury_ you. You make reckless decisions all the time. But you are worthy of being Captain. I have never doubted that. Your mind has been elsewhere, and this conversation would not have been appropriate at any other time.” Spock was sure this would not be the first time he would mention this fact, but it had needed to be said. Especially now.

Jim had no idea how to answer to _any_ of that. He was an emotional _wreck_. And somehow Spock didn’t care.

“I also wanted to add that… that I’m glad you are back as Captain.”

Kirk managed a smile. “Glad, huh?”

“I merely desired to-“

“Spock, just. Stop. I just… _thank you_.” And then Jim felt a lot better and tons happier then he had in a long time. “But just so we are clear: no one can know that I fucking cry. That doesn’t look good for a Captain of a Starship.”

Spock just smiled. “You might have to convince Dr. McCoy, Mr. Scott, and Ms. Uhura of that stance, Jim.”

And well, Jim got it. He did. “Oh, for the love of-“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this scene, but it was also very hard to put into words. And I'm still not happy with it, but if I agonize over it anymore, it's going to just get worse, lol.


	19. Chapter 19

Three weeks of intense training, analyzing, fiddling, and prepping fully for the _Enterprise’s_ five year mission was enough to tell Kirk just how much he had truly missed his job. This whole adventure was going to be new and exciting. It had never been attempted, and the weight of commanding 452 souls for five years into uncharted space was huge, but manageable. _Exciting. Thrilling. Bone chilling. An electric charge that just kept running_.

So it wasn’t really all that surprising when, on a rare moment of peace in San Francisco, while having a routine check up by his doctor, Kirk got some _very_ good news.

Bones tapped his PADD, glancing at the lab results, Kirk’s fingers drumming alongside the biobed as he waited to be released. They had been given a rare moment to take a breather from traversing back and forth from California and Iowa, answering to Starfleet Command demands and the repairs the _Enterprise_ still needed before full tests could be performed and the ship was worthy of a five year mission.

Of course, their duties never ended. Dr. McCoy was busy giving physicals to every new crew member, including a few of Kirk’s old classmates as they passed from Cadet to Ensign (or Lieutenant, as most of them were given some sort of official title) and given orders of placement on various ships around the world, with a few lucky enough to be assigned to the _Enterprise’s_ five year mission. And Kirk was always traveling between his girl and Starfleet Command. He had flawlessly taken back his command from Spock, Spock breathing a sigh of relief at the fact he no longer had to be in the middle of constant bickering, which he never got the hang of. Kirk handled arguments and requisitions with little effort, taking back the controls like he had never left. Spock went back to being a logical first officer, glad to be out of Command’s hair. Everyone felt _better_ about the shift in work, the shift in training. Change was coming. _Unexplored space._ That is what was coming.

“Well, I think today is the day I finally get to say it.”

Kirk glanced up at his friend, his fingers stilling. “Oh?”

“I’m going to take you off all your medications, except your steroids have to be decreased over a period of a few weeks since you’ve been on them for a while, and you will have to get a thyroid hypo once a month if I stop your pills, and your anti rejection meds are basically null, but I might make you finish the dose you’re on. Otherwise – you can stop taking everything else. Now-“

Kirk jumped up, giving Bones his trademarked _gleeful_ smile. “Is this what getting out of prison feels like?”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Oh, you just wait. The endless list of complications will show up in your immediate attention email in about ten seconds, and you are going to have to fucking read them all, and if _any_ of them occur, you will be answering to me.”

The patient groaned. “You didn’t.”

“You aren’t going to listen to me, so I decided I should abuse my power, seeing as I am the _only_ one on the ship who can take command away from you. Regretting my CMO privileges now, aren’t you?”

Kirk stuck his tongue out and proceeded to leave the exam room, but not before retorting, “I think I owe you for saving my ass twice. But I do _not_ owe you for ruining my life.”

And right on time, Kirk’s communicator went off, alerting him to an immediate attention email on his PADD. He usually got, on average, three a day from various parts of the ship or from Starfleet Command. Bones, as Chief Medical Officer, had the power to send the Captain one of those emails if he so choose. Usually Bones had no reason to do so, except today. And Kirk’s communicator would not _shut up_ until Kirk read that email and responded accordingly.

“THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR BEING CAPTAIN, JIM!” Bones yelled after his friend, not amused.

“I HATE YOU!!”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Nah, you love me, infant. I saved your ass – _twice_.”

~~~~

T-minus three days.

Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott, sidekick Keenser, Chief Communications Officer Nyota Uhura, Helmsman Hikaru Sulu, Chief Navigator Pavel Chekov, Chief Science Officer Spock, Chief Medical Officer Leonard McCoy, and Captain James T. Kirk all walked off _the Enterprise_ that evening, knowing full well that they would not be back until the scheduled launch in three days.

_The Enterprise_ had passed every check, inspection, and test with flying colors that day. Now she was officially docked at the ship port nearest earth – she was in space and ready to run. She was ready for a long journey into every nook and cranny the universe held for her. Her shining senior crew was ready too – they just had a few loose ends to tie up.

And of course, her crew as a whole – they were ready.

So when the senior crew got back to the hanger at Starfleet Headquarters, and emerged into the setting sun, it was a complete surprise to find the crew, that were so expectedly ready to get into space themselves, waiting for their senior commanding officers.

The round of applause was _deafening_. But gratifying. They were going to be the first on a new adventure. A five year mission was exciting and scary and brilliant. And they were about to embark on such a new experience.

And every new individual to the Enterprise was standing front and center for inspection, proud to be a part of the crew, and even more excited to know they had the _best_ Captain in the fleet.

Kirk gave them a once over, smiling. Five of his classmates (Richard, Jason, Laura, Serena, and that one Andorian dude, Peter) were now a part of his crew, some in command spots, and Peter surprisingly hiding a knack for communications. Who would have thought?

“You are going to do great. All of you. Thank you for not giving up on this mission. Thank you for helping restore _the Enterprise_. Tomorrow we rechristen her, and in three days we go on the greatest mission Starfleet has ever imagined. And you will be there. You are going to help make history,” Kirk told the crowd – _his_ crew – as his smile touched every single person there. Without his steadfast friends, extraordinary crew, and remarkable willpower, he would not be Captain at that moment. But it took a village to raise a child. There was no doubt in that saying.

And they were a village, and they were headed for greatness. That much was certain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tune in tomorrow for the EPIC epilogue :D In the mean time: I am off to work on the sequel. And study. Which is life, for me.


	20. Chapter 20

“So. Where should we go, Spock?” Captain James Tiberius Kirk gave a sideway glance at his First Officer, smiling.

“As a mission of this duration has never before been attempted, I defer to your good judgment, Captain.” Spock gave Jim the same smile, responding in kind to the fact that they were both on the _Enterprise_ , alive, well, and about to take off on a five year mission.

And overall: things were good.

Really good.

**_The End_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Done. Thank you for taking your time to read this. :) I can't promise when the sequel will be up - it is still very much in a production stage. Mostly planning still. 
> 
> Thank you for taking this journey. 
> 
> Live Long and Prosper, readers!
> 
> Love, Danielle


End file.
